I wish I could say the reason I haven't written here in more than a month has been because I've been busy having exciting, spirit-filled, Kingdom bringing adventures but in reality, that hasn't been the case.
I've been working (a lot). I've been dancing and cycling and doing yoga. I've been been spending all the money I have (and some that I don't) on car repairs and Christmas gifts and dealing with some unexpected, stressful life circumstances.
I won't/can't get into the details of those unexpected circumstances for a lot of reasons, chief among them being it's not the kind of thing you write about on the Internet. I hate being vague, but what I can say is everything is OK and things are coming together. I considered not mentioning it at all - why bother if all I'm going to say is 'I can't talk about it'? - but in truth, it's part of the reason I haven't been writing.
I've been feeling spiritually stalled - stuck and at times, a little bit lost.
It hit me the weekend my partner went to pick up our car after it received some pretty extensive repairs. I've written about the troubles with the Subaru's gas tank here before. As is always the way with cars, by the time we were in a position to deal with that problem, another more urgent issue sprung up.
For weeks, the car had been making some pretty awful noises, especially when it came to taking corners. Everyone we talked to had a different theory about what it could be - suggestions included a problem with a strut, a busted CV joint or possible issues with the power steering. Estimates for how much it would cost to fix it ranged from a couple hundred dollars to more than I paid for the car.
Other than the noises, the car was handling well so we weren't too worried about it. I made a plan to drive the car to Nova Scotia to have a new gas tank installed and figured I'd ask the mechanic to investigate the noise while it was there. We set a date for the trip, booked off the required time and on a Friday evening, we packed up our things, picked up my partner's brother and made our way to Riverview.
It should be note even as we left Fredericton, nothing about the repair was going the way I planned. The mechanic was having phone troubles, so I wasn't able to connect with him to verify plans until the day before we were set to leave. When we finally connected, he told me he still hasn't secured the part. It looked very likely we'd be leaving the car in Nova Scotia for a week - a scenario we knew could come up, but one that was still disappointing considering how many weeks in advanced I'd planned for the repair. To top it all off, I was miserably ill with a terrible headache, stuffy nose, all that good stuff.
I didn't think things could get worse. Then we hit the highway.
The noises were louder. I wasn't driving, but I could tell my partner was having trouble controlling the car, especially when it came to passing. His brother, easily the person with the most knowledge about cars in the vehicle, identified the problem as coming from the back of the car as opposed to the front (where we thought it was) and through a combination of his own knowledge about cars and a phone call to a mechanic friend, he diagnosed the problem as a wheel bearing.
When we arrived in Riverview, the boys took the tire off and confirmed the diagnosis. There was no way we could drive the car to Nova or even back to Fredericton until it was repaired.
So much for my plan. To say I was upset would be an understatement; I was gutted. I had worked so hard to pull everything together - I made the calls to the mechanic, gave lots of notice to get the time off and an appointment made, went to the bank to make sure the financials were in order...and none of it made a difference. It didn't stop my plan from falling apart.
I didn't have time to dwell on it, though - before it could pull me down too far, thing changed. My partner's brother found a new wheel bearing for the car at a decent price and a mechanic who could install it for me at the first of the week. When we brought the car to the mechanic (a friend of my partner's family) he told me if I could get a gas tank and ship it to him, he could install it for me. I called my grandfather and by the end of the day, a tank had been found and arrangements had been made to ship it to Moncton.
A week later, the car was ready - and the best part? The overall cost was hundreds of dollars less than I expected to spend.
I was elated. Sure, the repair took a little longer and I had to spend a week without wheels as a result, but for the first time in months, I was going to be driving a car without any known problems. Or so I thought.
The drive home wasn't so great. As is always the way with cars, you solve one problem and another arises. This time, the vehicle wasn't accelerating properly at high speeds, creating a very dangerous situation for my partner on the highway. After the stress of the last repair, the news that our car still wasn't working properly was enough to send me into a bit of a tailspin of stress and frustration.
It wasn't until I calmed down a bit that I realized I was dealing with a bigger problem than whatever was happening with the car: somewhere along the way, I became convinced I could take care of this situation on my own. And as a result, I'd shut God out of the process completely and without a second thought.
I made plans without prayerful consideration. When those plans inevitably fell apart, my immediate response was stress and frustration instead of trusting. And when God showed me why my response should have been to trust by providing for me anyway, my attitude was far from gracious.
The situation revealed the thing I struggle most with - fully trusting that God will meet my needs and letting him be in control of everything, not just the minor things.
That night was a wake up call, but I can't say I've done a perfect job of eliminating my tendency to default into self-reliance. In reference to the unexpected circumstances mentioned at the beginning, my immediate response was distress although I was able to identify it quickly and shift my focus back where it should be. I want this to be a fast process, to operate like a switch, but I don't think it works that way.
I'm going to stumble. I'm going to fall and I'm going to fail. These things are beyond my control, the result of my human nature.
What's within my control is how I react - with stress and despair or trusting God to do what he's said he'll do.
I've been working (a lot). I've been dancing and cycling and doing yoga. I've been been spending all the money I have (and some that I don't) on car repairs and Christmas gifts and dealing with some unexpected, stressful life circumstances.
I won't/can't get into the details of those unexpected circumstances for a lot of reasons, chief among them being it's not the kind of thing you write about on the Internet. I hate being vague, but what I can say is everything is OK and things are coming together. I considered not mentioning it at all - why bother if all I'm going to say is 'I can't talk about it'? - but in truth, it's part of the reason I haven't been writing.
I've been feeling spiritually stalled - stuck and at times, a little bit lost.
It hit me the weekend my partner went to pick up our car after it received some pretty extensive repairs. I've written about the troubles with the Subaru's gas tank here before. As is always the way with cars, by the time we were in a position to deal with that problem, another more urgent issue sprung up.
For weeks, the car had been making some pretty awful noises, especially when it came to taking corners. Everyone we talked to had a different theory about what it could be - suggestions included a problem with a strut, a busted CV joint or possible issues with the power steering. Estimates for how much it would cost to fix it ranged from a couple hundred dollars to more than I paid for the car.
Other than the noises, the car was handling well so we weren't too worried about it. I made a plan to drive the car to Nova Scotia to have a new gas tank installed and figured I'd ask the mechanic to investigate the noise while it was there. We set a date for the trip, booked off the required time and on a Friday evening, we packed up our things, picked up my partner's brother and made our way to Riverview.
It should be note even as we left Fredericton, nothing about the repair was going the way I planned. The mechanic was having phone troubles, so I wasn't able to connect with him to verify plans until the day before we were set to leave. When we finally connected, he told me he still hasn't secured the part. It looked very likely we'd be leaving the car in Nova Scotia for a week - a scenario we knew could come up, but one that was still disappointing considering how many weeks in advanced I'd planned for the repair. To top it all off, I was miserably ill with a terrible headache, stuffy nose, all that good stuff.
I didn't think things could get worse. Then we hit the highway.
The noises were louder. I wasn't driving, but I could tell my partner was having trouble controlling the car, especially when it came to passing. His brother, easily the person with the most knowledge about cars in the vehicle, identified the problem as coming from the back of the car as opposed to the front (where we thought it was) and through a combination of his own knowledge about cars and a phone call to a mechanic friend, he diagnosed the problem as a wheel bearing.
When we arrived in Riverview, the boys took the tire off and confirmed the diagnosis. There was no way we could drive the car to Nova or even back to Fredericton until it was repaired.
So much for my plan. To say I was upset would be an understatement; I was gutted. I had worked so hard to pull everything together - I made the calls to the mechanic, gave lots of notice to get the time off and an appointment made, went to the bank to make sure the financials were in order...and none of it made a difference. It didn't stop my plan from falling apart.
I didn't have time to dwell on it, though - before it could pull me down too far, thing changed. My partner's brother found a new wheel bearing for the car at a decent price and a mechanic who could install it for me at the first of the week. When we brought the car to the mechanic (a friend of my partner's family) he told me if I could get a gas tank and ship it to him, he could install it for me. I called my grandfather and by the end of the day, a tank had been found and arrangements had been made to ship it to Moncton.
A week later, the car was ready - and the best part? The overall cost was hundreds of dollars less than I expected to spend.
I was elated. Sure, the repair took a little longer and I had to spend a week without wheels as a result, but for the first time in months, I was going to be driving a car without any known problems. Or so I thought.
The drive home wasn't so great. As is always the way with cars, you solve one problem and another arises. This time, the vehicle wasn't accelerating properly at high speeds, creating a very dangerous situation for my partner on the highway. After the stress of the last repair, the news that our car still wasn't working properly was enough to send me into a bit of a tailspin of stress and frustration.
It wasn't until I calmed down a bit that I realized I was dealing with a bigger problem than whatever was happening with the car: somewhere along the way, I became convinced I could take care of this situation on my own. And as a result, I'd shut God out of the process completely and without a second thought.
I made plans without prayerful consideration. When those plans inevitably fell apart, my immediate response was stress and frustration instead of trusting. And when God showed me why my response should have been to trust by providing for me anyway, my attitude was far from gracious.
The situation revealed the thing I struggle most with - fully trusting that God will meet my needs and letting him be in control of everything, not just the minor things.
All I can do is cry to You 'Oh, God! You have to save me!
You're my last and only hope!
All my right answers fail me;
I can't seem to make it on my own.'
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
That night was a wake up call, but I can't say I've done a perfect job of eliminating my tendency to default into self-reliance. In reference to the unexpected circumstances mentioned at the beginning, my immediate response was distress although I was able to identify it quickly and shift my focus back where it should be. I want this to be a fast process, to operate like a switch, but I don't think it works that way.
I'm going to stumble. I'm going to fall and I'm going to fail. These things are beyond my control, the result of my human nature.
What's within my control is how I react - with stress and despair or trusting God to do what he's said he'll do.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Jeremiah 29:11
