and I'll praise You in this storm

"I think your car is leaking gasoline."

This week's challenges started at around 11 a.m. Monday morning, when one of the photographers at the paper came into the office to let me know something was wrong with my car. 

Sure enough, crouched down on the ground, I could see his assessment was correct - a steady drip, one drop every two seconds or so, creating a puddle of gasoline underneath the car. A few frantic text messages and a phone call later, I was heading to the garage. 

Before purchasing the car from my aunt, I'd never spent any significant time in a garage but over the last two weeks, I've become a familiar face to my mechanic. Between the inspection I needed to get the vehicle registered and plated (which resulted in a minor repair right off the bat) and the fact that I was in last week to have my winter tires removed and my all-seasons put on, I've been dropping some cash there. However, prior to Monday, every expense incurred had been due to regular vehicle maintenance - not fun, but a necessary part of being a vehicle owner that I'd come to peace with.

I knew this would be different, though and the mechanic was quick to tell me as much - best case scenario, the reason for my problem was a leaking fuel line, a problem that would cause about $150 to solve. Worst case scenario? The gas tank itself was problematic and that's where things would get interesting. And costly. 

"I won't know until I can get it up in the air and look at it," the mechanic told me, taking my key and putting a tag on it to identify it as mine. "Park it here for the night and I'll have a look at it when I get a chance."

By the end of the day Monday, he still hadn't had the time. My gym bag was in the back so I had a friend take me over to retrieve it. Gas had continued to leak throughout the afternoon, creating a puddle that spilled out alongside the vehicle by the time I arrived. 

"My first thought was a fuel line," the mechanic said, standing by the vehicle with me. "But looking at the spill now, I'm really not sure."

By Tuesday morning, he called me back and I had the diagnosis: it's the tank, it's leaking at the seal and it's a problem that can cost upwards of $1,000 to fix, depending on the part and the amount of labour required.

I didn't know what to say at first. "Thanks for letting me know," I said after a long pause. "I think I need to make some phone calls before I decide what to do."

"Take your time. Let me know."

I hung up, took a breath, then made my way to the break room to call my grandfather. I then promptly proceeded to become entirely unglued about the situation. 

I was frustrated. I was upset. And I was more than a little worried about how on earth I was going to be able to make this work. Between paying to buy the car, paying to have it reinspected, paying to have the minor repair it needed done, paying for two new tires and paying to have them installed...it's been an expensive couple weeks. And while expenses are part of owning a car, I wasn't expecting to have such a major repair on my hands so soon. It didn't seem fair. 

That reaction isn't something I'm proud of nor is the way I've let it consume me over the last two days, keeping me distracted and adding to the overwhelming sense of general burn out I've been feeling in almost all areas of my life these days (that's a story for another time, though).

I was ready to keep on stressing through the evening as I drove the car back to my apartment (with instructions to fill it to no more than half full and to make sure smokers stay away from my vehicle) when God intervened... through song.

but as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain:

"I'm with you."

and as Your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives & takes away.

and I'll praise You in this storm; and I will lift my hands. 

For You are who You are, no matter where I am.

 It always amazes me how easy it is to forget these things when life throws a curveball - to let stress and worry and fear take over instead of turning focus to God - trusting in His wisdom to know what's best, listening for His voice when all I want to do is listen to my own voice to complain and praising Him, even when I don't understand what He's doing.

My job isn't to have the answers - my job is to know that He does. In contrast, my job is to listen, to practice patience and above all else, praise him...even if I'm feeling slighted and not sure I feel up to it. 

My job is to know He's there and in control - even if it doesn't seem like it. 

We cannot separate - You're part of me and though You're invisible, I'll trust the unseen. 

But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 

I don't know how long it's going to take to get my car fixed. For at least the next couple of weeks, I'll be driving cautiously, keeping the gas tank filled only to half to avoid more leaking. The seam of the tank is rusting out so it's not a long term solution, but it works in the interim while my grandfather does his thing and looks for a new part. I'll likely still end up paying about $500 between the cost of the part and the labour to install it but Grampy's goal is to find the cheapest, high quality solution and I'm grateful for that. 

That has been the silver lining in the whole situation - through this difficult time, I've been privileged to have some really incredible people come alongside me to diagnose the problem (my mechanic), to drive me to and from the garage (Davith), to search out the best solution (Grampy) and to listen to me vent (anyone within an earshot). There aren't words to express how much I appreciated it - I feel very blessed to have all of you in my life.

So for now, the plan is to relax - to fret less and above all that, to practice patience and praise. 

And to keep any smokers away from my car because yeah, that could create a bit of a problem. 

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 

The story of the Subaru (alt. title: answered prayers)

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithall shall we be clothed?(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

Matthew 6:31-32

When I was still an intern at the paper, I thought my quality of life would change dramatically and automatically if I ever made the shift to full-time staff member.

My job would be secure, so no more living contract to contract, wondering how much longer my term would be extended. I'd have health benefits and I'd finally be able to take advantage of the employee wellness bank which would cover some of the costs associated with things like the memberships at my gym and yoga studio.

More than anything, life would improve because I'd be making more money. I wouldn't have weeks where I'd have to choose between paying the power bill and buying food. I would finally be able to rebuild my saving account, which had basically been destroyed when I moved into my first solo apartment. I wouldn't have to deal with the frustrations of the city's awful bus schedule because I'd finally be able to buy a car. 

Don't be deceived: while it looks like there are a decent amount of buses in this picture, if you aren't taking the campus route or if you live on the city's northside, you're in for a long wait if you're not traveling at peak hours.  (Photo: City of Fredericton website)

It's been almost a year since I was hired full-time and while I'd be lying if I said my life hadn't been improved by the shift, the change hasn't been nearly as pronounced as I thought it would be from a financial perspective. Managing bills is a little easier, but there are more of them. My saving account isn't anywhere near the level it used to sit at and for the first eight months, I was no where closer to having a car than I was when I was interning. 

That's not to say I didn't think about buying a car. I thought about it a lot - I did research, figured out what make and model I'd want, what sort of special benefits I'd be eligible for as a first time car buyer and what I could realistically afford to spend. I read up on how to haggle with a car salesman, when the best time to buy is (end of the month) and what sort of things to do to ensure you get the best price (don't mention any trade ins or additional benefits you might be eligible for until you've settled on a price, don't talk about the cost of the vehicle in terms of monthly payments, etc.)

I figured I would get a Toyota Corolla or a Mazda3 - affordable cars that score well in their class and seem to fit the needs of a young, working professional with no children. I wanted to buy new, too, with the logic that I don't know enough about cars to feel comfortable making a purchase in a private sale and a car purchased at a dealer would come with some warranty. Shelling out a few hundred dollars a month for a new car would be worth it for the peace of mind, right?

The logic was sound, but it didn't take me long to realize it simply couldn't happen - it would make my budget far too tight. Not only would I be throwing down big money on something that was only going to depreciate in value the longer I owned it, the cost of insuring a new car was going to be crazy for me (it would be my first time being insured, I'm not 25 yet and I've only had my license three years) and I wouldn't be able to pay for the cost of upkeep on top of those things. 

It was a hard realization to come to - I was tired of having to pay $7 to take a two minute cab trip from the grocery store to my apartment because I couldn't carry everything on my own and I was tired of walking to work in the winter when the temperature dropped to -20 C and the sidewalks were coated in snow and ice because they hadn't been cleared yet. But I knew buying a car wouldn't have been a responsible decision so I resolved myself to the fact that the time wasn't right.

I hate to admit it but it didn't occur to me to bring the matter to God at first. In fact, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until I was having some Jesus time one night and found myself reading Matthew 14:13-21

For those unfamiliar with the passage or in need of a refresher, this is where Jesus feeds 5,000 with five loaves of bread and two fish. When I say he fed them, I don't mean diet portions, either - the scripture said they ate until they were all satisfied and there were even leftovers.

For the longest time, I had simply looked at this passage as a miracle passage - it's a pretty amazing story, the term miraculous is totally fitting of the scenario - but when I read it that night, I realized it's not just that: it's Jesus meeting the needs of the people who were following him. I hadn't really thought of it like that before. It's Jesus taking a situation that seems impossible and finding a way to make it work.

And I started to think - if Jesus could make a meal for all those people with so few materials to work with, surely he could find a way to make a car fit within my means if he felt like it was something I needed.

So I started to pray for a vehicle, bringing my request to God and letting myself believe for the first time that if it was something I really needed, He would find a way. I stopped stressing about it. I stopped thinking and worrying about it and just left it to God.

And wouldn't you know it, less than a month later, I've added a a car key to my lanyard.  The car isn't new by any stretch of the imagination: it's a 2002 Subaru, with more than 250,000 kilometres, but it still runs strong. I bought it from my aunt, who recently purchased a new jeep, and it feels like things have really come full circle, since it's the car I drove when I was learning how to drive. It's not the fanciest car in the world, but it's functional, OK on gas (it cost us $60 to drive it back from Halifax) and it does everything I need it to do. Plus it was a lot cheaper than what I expected to pay. I'm pretty pleased with the purchase.

But more than that, I'm feeling grateful for the way God meets needs, for the way He answers prayer. Because that's exactly what this was - an answer to prayer. A blessing.

(For now, anyway. We'll see if I'm still saying that in the fall when it's time to do work on the brakes.)

that funky Jesus music

TobyMac. Moncton Wesleyan, May 1, 2013

Truth: I started this post early Wednesday morning, hours before going to see TobyMac at the Wesleyan in Moncton.

My plan was to finish it after the show - to upload some photos, write a bit about the show and throw down some additional thoughts about the importance of music when it comes to worship. Within a half hour of being home, I'd gone through the photos I took, picked the ones that were decent (none of them were fantastic. My camera is on its last legs these days) and uploaded them to Facebook.

But when I opened this post, I found myself unsure what to say. When friends asked, I used words like 'amazing' and 'awesome' to describe the show and while they are accurate, they didn't really get at the emotions that night triggered for me.

Yeah, I screamed and danced and partied like everyone else in the church that night (seriously. I don't think I've ever been to a show where people were that stoked to be there. Please note I say this as someone who saw the Jonas Brothers twice at the height of their fame. Don't judge) but there were also several moments during the show where I was on the verge of tears.

When I started making my way back to God last summer, one of the first things that changed was my media consumption. Looking back at the transition period, I'm surprised by how natural the transition was - I simply lost interest in certain books and magazines and songs that I didn't feel were bringing me closer to God.  That doesn't mean I sat down and deleted every single song in my iTunes library that doesn't fall into the contemporary Christian music category but I did start listening to a Christian radio station (Star 99.1), which introduced me to dozens of new artists.

As it stands right now, I'd say my iPod is a little more than half filled with worship music, with the rest of the space allocated between gym songs (songs that are played in the various classes I take) and guilty pleasures (the Jonas Brothers! Old school NSYNC! That one Justin Bieber song!) My worship song playlist, titled Matthew 16:24-28, has become my go-to playlist - what I listen to when I'm doing everything from walking to work, to doing chores, to writing. To say the songs lift me up would be a huge understatement.

Without question, the biggest presence on that playlist is TobyMac. As he should be - when I started looking for Christian music, one of his songs from an old WOW Worship CD was the first thing that came to mind.

Although Gone is not my favourite TobyMac song (that honour goes to Lose My Soul, which has become my favourite song/personal anthem/whatever), the song did something really important for me, both as a teen and as an adult: it showed me that Christian music isn't just hymns. While there's no denying hymns are beautiful, songs like Gone made music worship feel more accessible to me as a teen. It felt comfortable - the message of the music was different but the format was familiar. The brilliance of contemporary Christian music is that artists meet the audience where they are.

I cried when I heard Atmosphere for the first time because I felt it. If I'm having a hard day, that song can still have that affect on me. I know that the words are true - his promise to me is unconditional.

O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.

Psalms 95:1 

There were a lot of things that made the concert amazing experience - the stage was brilliant, Jamie Grace and Mr. Talkbox were amazing as opening acts and as a performer, TobyMac blew my mind - but the most memorable thing about the show to me was the feeling of God moving in the room and how energized everyone was by His presence. As a group - audience and performers - we called Him down and He joined us, just like He promised.

Unconditional. Amazing.

(from left: Bryon "Mr.Talkbox"Chambers shares his Twitter handle with the crowd Superman-style. The lovely Jamie Grace, who encouraged everyone in the audience still looking for love on earth to always remember the one who loves them most and best - Jesus. And of course, TobyMac, who reminded everyone in the room that no one is too far from forgiveness.)