always

I wrote a really dramatic post Friday afternoon.

After a week I can only describe as truly awful, I sat down at Starbucks with my computer, angry rap music blasting through my headphones, and unleashed a whole big bunch of ~*feelings*~ I've been keeping, for the most part, to myself. 

It wasn't what I was planning to write, but once I started, it just poured out. It was painful, but after weeks of struggling with crippling anxiety over writing, it was nice to have something come naturally for a change. 

I read it over. Once. Twice. After the third time, I hit save and closed my browser, leaving it in draft.

It's still there. And that's where it's going to say because I'm not going to post it.

There are many reasons for that but the biggest one is simple: I've already given the situation way to much power over me. Bringing it into this space would only make that worse. 

Not only am I twenty-six years old and too old for the kind of petty crap that's been going on lately, but dwelling on it the way I have been is totally at odds with what I know is true. 

That three days later, Christ rose from the grave and conquered death. 

And that even when things seem like they're spinning out of control, He is still on the throne. 

Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 

1 Peter 2:16-17

Now this is not to say everything is suddenly sunshine and rainbows in my life. I'm going to be honest with you: the last couple months have been really, really hard. After years of living with what turned out to be an undiagnosed thyroid condition, I'm used to feeling weary, but I'm not used to the kind of soul sickness I've been feeling for the last couple months. I'm trying to find a healthy way to cope with it but that's still work in progress. What I can say is I am very, very lucky to have some incredible people in my life who have been very patient with me as I work through the situation. My fiancee and my best friend deserve special mention here - it's cheesy and lame but you guys have totally been my rocks. I'd be more of a basketcase than I already am if it weren't for you two.  Thank you. Seriously.

And there you have it. The elephant in the room has been addressed. Things are kind of messy right now, but that's OK. In the midst of all the turmoil, I'm choosing instead to focus on what I know is true and unchanging. 

I will not fear the war

I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way

My help is on the way 

the liebster award

I couldn't be more excited to have been nominated for the Liebster Award by the absolutely delightful Hannah over at to Share, Care & Love! Hannah is a total gem - her Instagram is lovely and her blog is a beautiful mix of some of my favourite things - a glimpse into daily life with a whole lot of encouragement and truth from God's word! Check her out!

The Liebster Award is kind of like a chain letter...only unlike those annoying ones that tried to convince you you'd either come into a large sum of money or, alternatively, die in the next 24 hours if you don't pass it on, the Liebster Award is simply meant to help bloggers gain some exposure.  Want to learn more? Details can be found here. 

OFFICIAL RULES 

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you: 

• Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog
• Display the award on your blog - by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a widget or a gadget (best way to do so = save image on your computer and upload it to your blog post) 
• Answer 11 questions about yourself, provided to you by the person who nominated you
• Provide 11 random facts about yourself 
• Nominate 5-11 blogs you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1,000 followers (you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information)
• Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer
• List these rules in your post 
• Once you have written and published, inform the people/blogs you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they may not have heard about it!)

Here's what Hannah asked me (along with my answers)

How long have you been blogging?

At this blog specifically, about two (very sporadic) years. Taking the longer view, though, I've been keeping some sort of a blog on and off since I was about 12 years old. Started with LiveJournal in high school (is that still a thing?), migrated over to WordPress in university (we had to create a professional page in j-school) and now, I'm here. 

Are you a coffee drinker? If so, how do you like it?

After many years of trying to get on the coffee train, I can finally say I'm on the coffee train. However, I only drink iced coffee. And only a little bit at a time. Typically, I cold brew in a French press then either have some in a smoothie or with ice and reduced sugar French vanilla creamer. I also like Starbucks caramel iced coffee and the odd iced caramel macchiato. 

Do you have a blog schedule or are you a sporadic poster?

I'm a sporadic poster working toward becoming a person who schedules. I've been using Kyla Roma's editorial calendar to help with the planning process lately - it's amazing and has totally changed the way I approach blogging. 

What's your favourite food?

Eggs, hands down. Eggs are the reason I could never be vegan. 

Where's your favourite spot to blog?

I'm guessing this means to write posts? Starbucks. I do most of my writing at Starbucks. I find it much less distracting than home (plus the internet is kind of spotty, which is great for productivity).

Is blogging a part-time or full-time thing for you?

Definitely a part-time thing. I didn't start blogging with the mindset of it becoming a full-time gig, though; it was (and is) meant to be a creative outlet for me. 

Are you a cat lover, dog lover, or both?

CATS CATS CATS

(OK, technically both) 

What are some blog goals you have?

One of the big ones right now is to become more disciplined in terms of developing content. In other words, I want to move away from being a blogger who writes a new post once every two months. I also want to work toward finding a balance between writing serious and fun posts (I've definitely leaned heavier on the serious lately). Finally, I want to be more social and connect more with other bloggers! 

Besides writing, what's your favourite thing to do?

That's tough - I like to do a lot of things! Travel. Read. Exercise.  Yoga. Cook/bake. Dye my hair crazy colours. Take really long baths. I have a lot of interests. 

Do you advertise your blog on social media? If so, which platforms?

Sure do. Typically, I'll share on Facebook once, tweet a couple times and share on Instagram. I usually only post about my blog when I have new content to share. 

Who is the most inspirational/influential person in your life? 

Not a specific person, but I'm inspired by people who live authentic lives. Which I know sounds really pretentious, but I don't mean for it to. Truth: there are few things I find more frustrating than fake people. I love and admire people who stay true to who they are. 

+ 11 random facts about me
1. I have four tattoos - a music note on my left shoulder, a Hedley lyric on my right shoulder blade, a bible verse (ish) on my left forearm and half a line from a book on my right ankle (my best friend has the other half). I want more.
2. I've been in a long-distance best-friendship for like, 10 years.
3. I've seen the Jonas Brothers live three times. Each time, I was over the age of 16. Last time was during their last tour before they broke up. Judge away! I don't care. They were awesome.
4. I have an entire cupboard just for tea. The tea is sorted into bins based on type. I keep telling myself I don't need more, but then a new one comes out and I can't help myself. It's a sickness.
5. My other indulgence: Sephora. Last year, I was VIB Rouge...yeah. It's bad.
6. I used to be super indifferent about reading, which is crazy to think about now. I think it had more to do with being forced to read books I just didn't care about in high school.
7. My engagement ring is a morganite, not a diamond. It's exactly what I wanted. I've never wanted a diamond.
8. I generally wear the same items of jewelry every day: my engagement ring, my cross necklace and my FitBit. Sometimes I wear my little ring and my opal studs, too. Occasionally, I'll wear my grad ring and some kind of rafiki chain.
9. My Giving Key used to be part of that rotation, but I finally gave it away recently! Which means I'll likely order a new one soon. Time for a new word anyway.
10. Tweeted about this already, but it merits another mention: I FINALLY get why people like Mindy Kaling so much. I was pretty meh about her, but I read one of her books as part of my book club and then started watching The Mindy Project. I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed both. I cannot for the life of me understand why that show was cancelled.
11. I'm about $350 away from paying off my trip to Kenya.  I leave in 108 days. Whoa...

That's a wrap on my answers! Now, for nominees. Tagging...
Lindsay, who has been blogging about the road to publication 

Joanne, who needs to START WRITING AGAIN (hint, hint)
Bella, who has a really lovely blog with lots of wonderful things going on
Julia, who is such a constant source of encouragement (and who writes really beautiful poetry!)
+ anyone else who wants to do it (I need to read some more, newer blogs. Suggestions? I'm open to them!) 

& here are my questions for my nominees (some old, some new)

• Why did you start blogging?
• What's your favourite post you've written?
• Coffee, tea, or both (or neither!)?
• What's your dream job?
• What goals do you have for your blog this year?
• What do your family and friends say about your blog?
• Morning person or night owl?
• What are your hobbies?
• Best book you've read recently?
• What's your favourite website? 
• What's your main goal for 2016? 

count it all joy

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trial of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

All.

That small, three letter word is the thing that makes this verse so difficult for me. Because let's be honest: joy comes easy in some things, but in others? It's really freaking hard.

It's hard to count it all joy in times of discouragement. In times of uncertainty. In times of waiting - oh man, as a person who is impatient for the future, this one is probably the worst for me.

It's hard to count it all joy when it feels like life is just punching you in the soul over and over again.

This is a space I've been living in lately, particularly in relation to one area of my life. This intense season of discouragement has surprise me in many ways but the biggest shock, by far, has been the way I've reacted to it. I'd love to be able to tell you the reaction has been in the spirit of the verse cited above but that hasn't been the case.  This discouragement has left me feeling sullen at best, guilty at worst.

Guilty, because when I'm struggling with joy, I'm actually struggling with trusting God.

That's a hard thing to admit, but truth's like that sometimes.

So, what's a girl to do?

One of the things I love best about God is that he doesn't play hard to get. He wants to have a relationship with us and supplies us with all the means to do so. In this case, I know the answer lies in going back to the basics: time in prayer and the word, stripping away the distractions and focusing on what I know is true instead of what I'm feeling in the moment.

And in the interim, I've found the easiest way to remember the call to joy in all things is to remember the things in life that bring me joy.

a good book
a relaxing bath
dance classes
yoga
Starbucks drinks
singing loudly in the car
and in church
and in my living room
and just generally, I guess
telling a good story
volunteering for a cause I believe in
talking to my best friend
loving my forever boyfriend well

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

Philippians 4:4