2014.

Coincidence

according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary 

a noun, meaning

: a situation in which events happen at the same time in a way that is not planned or expected.

: the occurrence of two or more things at the same time

: the state of two or more things being the same

Coincidence

according to me, based on experiences in 2014 

neither noun nor verb, because

it does not exist.

I'd even go as far as to apply that logic to other, related concepts: happenstance, serendipity, chance, fate, fluke, luck, right place/right time...whatever name you want to use to describe the randomness we encounter living life every day.  In 2014, I learned none of these things actually exist.

It's a bold, strange statement, given the year I had. There were many high points and when the low points came, it didn't take long for them to be turned into something positive. It would be easy to mistake so many of the incredible things that happened this year for something other than what they were: intentional manifestations of a God revealing himself in every possible place.

Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me. 
Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure:
Calling a ravenous bird from the east, the man that executeth my counsel from a far country: yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it.

Isaiah 46:9-11 

As I was praying the other night, reflecting on the year, the thing I came back to over and over again was how much God has used the last 12 months to show me just how much brokenness exists in the world. Whether it was revealed through distant circumstances (like the shooting in Ottawa or AirAsia crash) or more direct means (like the hurting and broken people I know personally or through my line of work), 2014 really brought the suffering of others - the extreme and the every day - into focus and as a direct result, shifted and changed my perspective in a lot of important ways.

Because how could it not? How can a person confront the reality of brokenness and NOT be changed as a result? And how, given that reality, can coincidence or serendipity or randomness or whatever be an acceptable reason or justification for any of it?

To me, it's not. So the natural next question: what am I going to do about it?

This is the question that has the ability to keep me awake at night, the question I dwell on in my down time. The question I confront God with all the time in prayer. It's implications make it important - it is, in essence, what forms the backbone of the kind of life one wants to live.

It's heavy nature has also made it problematic for me because I spend so much time seeking answers to questions - is this where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be going, etc. - I lose sight of the point.

It's not about me. It never has been. It's all about God.

In mere hours, 2015 will be on us. This is the time where people look at where they've been and make resolutions and plans and goals to improve their future outcomes starting Jan. 1.

I gave up on resolutions a long time ago (when I realized nothing magical happens when the calendar changes) but I do have some areas I'm going to focus on, this year and beyond - putting all my energy into living a life focused on the pursuit of holiness and closeness with God, on reducing the suffering of others and on loving on purpose and like I mean it.  Those are really vague statements and I'll be honest - contrary to my obsessive, type A planner nature, I don't have a detailed plan of what that looks like. That would normally freak me out, but in this case, I'm pretty calm. I don't want hollow or forced; I want it to be authentic. Natural. Real and intentional and entirely counter-cultural.

I'm realistic enough to know there's no possible way I can do this of my own accord. It's going to take a whole lot of grace and trust and just letting God be God. I'm also realistic enough to know there are times I'm going to fail miserably.

But that's the call. And it's worth it.

But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world.

Galatians 6:14

intention (the centre)

Confession: this is my second attempt at writing this post.

My first try was about two weeks ago. Over the course of about 72 hours, I wrote 700-plus words about...well, honestly, I'm not sure what it was about? Despite having a plan for what I wanted to talk about, the post veered off in so many different directions ranging from current events, to social issues, to the impact of social media on public discourse. It was really disjointed, lacking a sense of flow and to top it off, it was probably one of the most negative things I've ever written.

Which is interesting, because the point was to use those observations about the world to reflect on some points raised in a couple recent sermons and explore the practical application of those ideas in real life. I won't attempt to re-preach those here (I've included a link, though, if you're interested); what I will say is that, to link those sermons to the 700 words I wrote last weekend wouldn't have done the message, or, you know, GOD'S WORD, justice. Nor would it have been a particularly accurate picture of the type of person I strive to be - positive and kind, giving of my time, energy and resources, and just...generally interested in people.

So I did the only thing I could do: I deleted it.

And here we are. Let's try this again.

The last couple months have been tough. Much has happened, globally, regionally, locally, and I think it would be fair to say there are a lot of hurting people out there as a result. Human suffering is hardly a new thing, but lately, at least for me, it has been hitting a little closer to home.

I love my job, I truly do. It's work I find equal parts easy and insanely difficult. Easy, because I love talking to people, listening to what they have to say and crafting that information into a story to share with the community.

Difficult, because sometimes those stories hurt - to listen to, to write about, to read and to hear about. Difficult, because sometimes, working in the media leaves me feeling entirely over-saturated with these painful stories and feeling entirely helpless to do anything so I don't.

Instead, I do what everyone else does: I get angry and upset, make harsh judgements about both situations and the way others react to situations, and fixate on the negative elements of any given situation. The worst part is I react this way knowing it's ridiculous and that it accomplishes absolutely nothing. It's just easier and far more natural than the alternative.

As Jason Gray put it: fear is easy, love is hard.

so we draw up another dividing line. we label each other and we choose a side.

peace could come at quite a cost, so we won't build a bridge across.

fear is easy. love is hard. 

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that I do not; but what I hate, that I do.

Romans 7:14-15 

So what's a plugged-in, media-saturated,meaning-seeking, 20-something to do? Acknowledging all that - the negativity, the struggle, the shortcomings - is no doubt an important part of the process, but what's the next step? How do you turn from thoughts of what you ought not do to focusing on what you should do?

That's the question I found myself asking this week. Naturally, that's the question God saw fit to provide some answers for this morning as the series on 1 Peter continued:

But the end of all things is at hand: be ye therefore sober, and watch unto prayer. And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. Use hospitality one to another without grudging. As every man hath receive the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 4:7-11 

Be earnest and disciplined in prayer. Show deep love to and honour others. Share your home. Use your gifts.

All these things sound simple and a heck of a lot more appealing than the alternative of focusing all your energy on the things you ought not/shouldn't/can't do...but let me tell you: it's hard.

Showing deep love and honour to someone who disrespects you is hard. Sharing your home with someone you don't know is hard. Identifying spiritual gifts when you're riddled with self-doubt is hard; as a result, using them can be even more difficult.

Keeping a good head on your shoulders, a steady mind and an open heart when it seems like life is just constantly kicking you in the face and there's so much crazy happening all the time is hard.

But hard doesn't have to mean impossible. Sometimes, it's just a matter of adjusting your perspective and taking a second to really ask the question: am I putting something other than God at the centre of my life?

"When you put God at the centre of who are you, he doesn't get wobbly." A direct quote from this morning's sermon, one that got at exactly I've been pondering. Because when it comes to following Christ, your attitude, your life, your focus...it all matters. Those things are a manifestation of your heart and provide a clear idea of what - who - you're rooted in.

It's not easy or doesn't come naturally, but that's OK. It's a process and, like many other processes, it requires time. It requires intention.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise.

Thou mine inheritance now and always.

Thou and thou only, first in my heart.

High King of heaven, my treasure Thou are. 

yes (or: the shepherd and the sheep)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want (King James version) 

or

The LORD is my shepherd. I lack nothing (common english bible) 

or

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need (good news translation)

or

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want (new international version)

or

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need (new living translation) 

Psalm 23:1

"A little off-topic, but what's do you have a favourite verse?"

The scene: it's Friday night and I'm at Starbucks with two dear friends. It's about 9 p.m., and for the last couple hours, we've been together, talking about the first six chapters of Isaiah. Mostly. As per usual, the conversation started there but our structure has always been more informal, free to flow in whatever direction the Lord sees fit. It's been working for us. I love meeting with these beautiful souls and talking about Jesus and faith and life and everything in between.

"Matthew 16:24-28," I said, without hesitation. I can recite most of it from memory at this point, but I still picked up my bible and turned to the passage to read it.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. 

Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

I love everything about this passage, but it's verse 26 (highlighted) that I love the most. It reminds me of what's important - and, by contrast, what isn't. I have it summed up in a tattoo on my forearm, highly visible and complete with the biblical co-ordinates because I need this reminder more often than I would like to admit.

Lord, forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,

that fight for our love, and our passion.

As our eyes are open wide and on you, grand us the privilege of your world view

And may your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down. 

"What about you guys?" I asked after the reading and explanation. "Do you guys have a favourite verse?"

When they both answered the question with Psalm 23, it was almost a little sheepish. "I know it's kind of cliche," one said, "but I just find it really comforting, you know?"

The six verses that make up Psalm 23 are pretty well-known.  It's a psalm of peace during turmoil. It's a common funeral text. I think it would be fair to say many Christians (myself included) can recite it from memory. Chances are, even if you're not a Christian, you've heard it at some point in your life.

It's a really beautiful piece of scripture filled with some really lovely images and I would agree those six verses are comforting during hard times. They bring about a feeling of peace and ease. They're reassuring to the restless heart.  Most people feel good when they read Psalm 23.

Most people. I'll be honest: I didn't feel good when I read it.  Not at all.

Reading Psalm 23, I felt convicted.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. (KJV)

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. (NLT)

Shepherd

noun

a person who tends, or rears, sheep

verb

1. tend (sheep) as a shepherd

2. guide or direct in a particular direction

The duty of shepherds in history was to keep their flock intact, to guide it, to provide for it and to protect it from predators. Simply put, the job of the shepherd was to care for the sheep. The sheep knew that, they recognized the shepherd as a friend. They follow as a result.
John 10 draws on this relationship, speaking of Jesus as the good shepherd who loves and cares for his sheep.

I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

John 10:11

Looking at those two passages side by side - Psalm 23:1 and John 10:11 - the questions become simple.

What is shepherding me? If the shepherd's job is to meet the needs of the sheep, what am I trusting to do that in my life?  Is it Jesus, or is it something else?

To be honest? Sometimes, it looks an awful lot like something else. Sometimes, I let my finances shepherd me. Sometimes, I let my relationships with others (romantic/family/friends) shepherd me. Sometimes, it's my career.

Most of the time, these are decisions made without too much thought. They come more natural than the alternative. They are things popular culture and the world today teaches are important. And they are, on some level.

But you can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).

You can't follow two shepherds.

So, the follow up question: what's it going to be?

In church, the sermon series has been on 1 Peter, focusing on normal Christian life.  Unlike a lot of new testament letters addressed to churches, the purpose of 1 Peter isn't to correct bad theology; he is writing instead to a church in need of encouragement during a time when it wasn't exactly easy to be a Christian (sound familiar).

At the end of the first sermon, the pastor spoke about hope. Like the audience Peter was writing to, we live in a broken, hurting world. There's a lot of suffering, a lot of hardship, a lot of need for a lot of hope.

But when Peter spoke about hope, he wasn't talking about hope as superstition or hope as the power of positive thinking.  Because at the end of the day, everything of earth - things, organizations, ideas, people - will let you down.

Knowing that, Peter was talking about hope rooted to the secure foundation of Christ - the one who came to earth, lived, then died on a cross for our sins. The good shepherd, who gave up his life to protect his sheep.

So, what are you banking on, the pastor asked.

"You know life will punch you in the soul. You know there is suffering," he said.

"But I'm all in on Jesus."

You hear the cry of every broken heart

You give the hopeless soul a brand new start

You lead the captive in Your freedom song

This is who you are. 

After 25 years of being all over the place - wandering and straying, coming and going, mountaintops and deep, dark valleys, trials, tribulations, times of great joy, of great worry, of being let down...I'm saying me too. Saying yes to the hope and freedom Christ offers.

I've seen the world's brand of hope. I've tried it. But at the end of the day it doesn't compare. It can't.

isanybodyoutthere?/when the fog lifts/take a minute.

I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

Psalm 38:8

September was an emotional roller coaster.

I've been struggling for the last week to come up with a way to describe why, turning ideas over in my mind, writing and re-writing until I get frustrated and throw in the towel. This didn't come as a surprise to me; my ability to express myself in writing has always been, on some level, linked directly to my state of mind. And while I would not go as far as to say I've been in a bad place mentally, it has certainly been a strange one.

I turned 25 at the beginning of the month. I don't really make a big deal out of birthdays (as noted in my previous post) but man...was September ever one of those months where that stupid number paired with various events playing out around me sent my emotions all over the place.

Realistically, I know 25 is still very young and, at 25, I have accomplished a lot of things. I've made my way through a university degree, which was paid in full before graduation. I found work in my field immediately and a combination of luck and God's good grace put me in a great spot to turn what started as a four month internship into a full-time job. Every day, I talk to people and tell their stories and although I don't think I'm the greatest writer/reporter to ever live (far from it!), I have received some recognition for my work over the short span of my career. 

At 25, I don't worry as much about how in the world I'm going to pay my bills or whether I'm going to have to eat Kraft Dinner and peanut butter sandwiches for every meal this week or if I can afford a trip to the dentist or not. At 25, I'm in a spot where I was able to trade in my old, unreliable car for something newer, even though the insurance doubled. At 25, I have a degree of financial security that I've never had before.

Of course, it's not all about material benefits. At 25, I have some really fantastic friends, a solid group of girlfriends, an amazing church community I'm looking forward to diving into more and a partner I am in love with completely. 

Basically, 25 looks pretty swell. Scratch that - it IS pretty swell. Knowing that should be a cause for calm - for contentment, for peace. Some days it is. Other days, not so much.

I don't want to be left in this world tonight.

Am I alone in this fight?

Is anybody out there? 

^ I started this post about a week ago.

I was sitting at Starbucks, feeling run down and struggling to find a way to articulate why. Those six and a half paragraphs took the better part of an hour to get down. I'd write a sentence, read it over, delete it, re-write it, delete it again...you get the idea. True to what I wrote in the second paragraph, my ability to write is often linked directly to where I am mentally. When I was writing last week, it's fair to say I was in a strange headspace. I stopped writing because the shop was closing and figured I'd finish it when i had more time.

Well, it took about a week to find that time and what a difference that week made.

That's not to say last week was sunshine and roses - it really wasn't. I was working the early shift and while I would like to one day be an early bird, as it stands, I'm a nighthawk so there were a lot of tired afternoons. Friday was particularly long, the result of interviews late in the afternoon, which meant I was at work from about 7 a.m., straight through until 5 p.m. On top of feeling burnt out from work, there has been some other stuff happening in my life that doesn't involve me directly but definitely has an impact on me (vague, I know, but it's not my story to tell). All that taken into considered, it doesn't appear a lot has changed.

But it has. Somewhere between writing those words last week and writing these ones now, a fog I didn't really know had settled over me has lifted. The result? Mental clarity, peace of mind and no longer feeling like I'm breathing underwater or like my heart is being squeezed too tight.

And all I can say is PRAISE GOD because I know he deserves all the credit for that much needed shift in perspective, that reminder to stop worrying (after all, worry? Just worship to sin) and just...let God be God.

You give hope, you restore every heart that is broken

oh, great are you, Lord. 

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

This is all over the place. I thought about deleting all the angsting from last week and starting again, but I think it's important for me to be honest here. Despite working at a job that very much requires a degree of extraversion, I've realized I am actually a huge introvert. I'm not a life of the party type, preferring small groups of close friends to large crowds. I express myself better in writing than I do in spoken word and I'm getting better, but I'm not great at being emotionally vulnerable. All that to say I'm pretty good at putting on a front for the sake of self-preservation.

But I'm working on it. God's working me through it. And, as it does, his grace is making all things new.

let God be God

And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM sent me unto you

Exodus 3:14 

I turned 25 last week.

I've never been one of those people who makes a big deal out of their birthday. Sure, being born was a pretty big deal, but I've never really been big on the whole idea it requires any big public declaration or celebration or party. 

That said, turning 25 seemed like a milestone of sorts and last year, on my 24th, I figured I should do something to mark it. 

What I came up with was simple: I made a list of 24 things I wanted to do before my 25th birthday. The list was mix of big and small goals, everything from paying back debt, to reading more, to painting the desk in the living room. I didn't let the list rule my life, but I did check in with it once in a while to see how I was doing. I didn't accomplish everything on the list by the time my birthday rolled around, but I was able to cross of a few things, which was pretty satisfying for a type-A person who likes lists and plans and goals.

Even though I didn't get through all the items on my 24 while 24 list, the project was fun and I was ready to start a new list for 25. I figured I could look at the remaining items from last year, determine which ones I still wanted to tackle and then fill in the blanks with some new things. I work well when I have plans and goals and there are still a lot of things I would like to do in the coming weeks, months and years. I thought making a list of 25 things would be easy. 

But the more I reflected and thought about it, the more I realized there's really only one thing I want and feel particularly compelled to do this year. 

And that's to really commit to letting God be God. 

set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain and I can't control

I want more of you, God. 

Letting God be God means accepting and understand he is always going to be 100 per cent committed to being who he is, as he sees fit. And he's going to be BOLD and entirely unashamed about it because he has no reason not to. He's not trying to impress anyone because he doesn't need to. He's entirely self-sustaining...but he chooses us and pursues us. He chooses and pursues ME. Like Moses, I know there isn't a single thing I can give God or do for him that he needs. 

And, just like God told Moses, he knows that and it's OK.

And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt? And he said, Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou has brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain. 

Exodus 3:11-12

It seems like such a simple, basic thing - as if it should be instinctive, a thing you just...do upon becoming a Christian. Maybe that's the story for some people, but I know my personal walk with Christ has always been way more complicated than that.  

I like feeling as if I'm in control - of my daily routine and my career, of my friendships and relationships with others, and of my physical being, mind, body and spirit. The trouble is at best, this mindset creates a level of manic productivity while at worst, it's a cause of anxiety and worry, stress and a sense of hopelessness - extremes on both sides that only take away from who Christ is and the relationship he wants to have with me.

So I'm letting it go. 

God is who God is and God will be who God will be. He will do what he will do and I can't wait to see what that will be this year. 

and all the while you're shouting "my love, you're worth it all"

i don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak

even though few may stand and proclaim your great name

it's the life I want to live. I'm convinced there is none like you.

O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.

Psalm 25:20

The scenario played out like this:

Standing in the mall parking lot after spending a few hours in a coffee shop working out the logistics of starting a bible study group, Liz, a friend and colleague, told me about a conversation she had with a mutual friend after reading my blog for the first time.

Liz: "I messaged her and said 'You know Tara? Well, guess what? She's one of us!" 

'One of us' could have meant a lot of things in this particular instance. The three of us have some big things in common.

We're all St. Thomas University graduates and we're all journalists working in the field. I own less than five pairs of pants, which is relevant to this because I'm fairly certain I've only seen either of them wear something other than a dress or a skirt a handful of times. We know a lot of the same people and for the time being, we're all living on the East Coast. 

But none of those things were what Liz was talking about. One of us, in this case, meant a Christian. 

And in this case, initially, finding out I was 'one of them' came as a surprise. 

Growing up, being a Christian wasn't some secret part of my identity. I went to church - I taught Sunday school to young children and worked in the nursery, went to morning and evening services, went to prayer meeting on Wednesday night and youth group/teen group on Friday nights. I taught children's church and when I was too old for vacation bible school, I volunteered. I sang in the choir and frequently performed solos or duets. If I wasn't at school or work, there was a good chance I was at church.

But, as I shared previously, I gave up a lot of those things when I left for university. I wandered. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32, I lived on the wild side for a season. I partied and drank. I went to places I shouldn't have been, hung around with people who influenced me in the worst ways and did some things I'm not particularly proud of. 

And like the prodigal son, it was famine that brought me back - not the literal kind, but a spiritual/emotional starving that had left me feeling depleted and worn, empty and broken. 

That was a couple years ago. When I started making my way back to faith, it was a deeply personal thing for me and something I did, to a degree, in private. I needed to be alone with God and spend time by myself studying his Word in a meaningful way instead of the superficial or dutiful way I had done in the past. I knew God calls us to be in community with one another, to encourage and build each other up, but after spending so long wandering, I felt like I needed some one-on-one time with God if I wanted to take our relationship from pre-teen crush to a more passionate love. 

I started this blog in March 2013 because I wanted a place to share my thoughts, to express myself and reflect. By March 2013, I had been working on my faith for several months and I felt much more confident and certain in my identity as a daughter of the King. I still had a lot to learn (which continues to be the case) but that was OK because I was eager and keen to dive deeper.

But I still hesitated when it came to posting a link to that first blog post on Facebook. I still felt nervous, writing and rewriting the preamble over and over again as I wrestled with the big question:

 What will my Facebook friends think when they read this?

what will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak? 

what will people do when they find that it's true? 

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek. For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, the just shall live by faith.

Romans 1:16-17

The first conversations I had with Laura, a dear friend and colleague in Moncton, happened through Facebook. I had posted about going to the East 2 West Christian music festival in Shediac and after commenting about how she wished she was going to see the newsboys, we started talking in chat.

"It's so nice to see another Christian journalist not afraid to state themselves as such!"

The first time I hit publish here, the first time I shared a post through social media, I was nervous but I'm not anymore. 

A lot has changed in the last couple years and so much of it is a byproduct of a really important realization: I love and cherish my friends, regardless of where they've been or what they believe, but seeking God's voice and heart is always more important and worthwhile than seeking favour among men. I will never be the kind of person who is pushy - I believe it's more important for a person to come to faith because they truly believe, not because it's been forced on them - and I will always, always look for ways to love on those around me beyond everything else, but in the same breath, I'm not going to be quiet or ashamed of the gospel or Jesus. 

It might be more comfortable in the short term to sit down and shut up, but the long term consequences just aren't worth it. As Christians, we can't afford to be silent. And no man is an island.

we've been to the mountaintop; we've seen the glory of our God

He is here in the valley low. He's here, I feel it in my bones.

A final note: after our first "official" bible study, I posted a photo online. There were five of us at the table that night and I put the term official in quotes for a reason - although we did have an assigned reading to complete (Ruth and part of John), the structure was pretty informal in that we basically just...sat around the table and talked about faith and God and Jesus, drawing from the scripture but also our own personal experiences. It was really lovely and I can't speak for the other girls, but I left feeling really refreshed.

Even more refreshing? Since I posted that photo, I've had at least three people mention they'd like to join our group. 

If that's not God using the thing that once made me nervous to do something glorious, I don't know what is. 

Good friends, coffee (or coffee beverages) and the Word-

Is there anything better? 

and I will trust in You.

somedays, you're worshipping in a field; other days, you're standing on the side of the highway, getting sunburnt while you wait for a tow truck...

Car trouble wasn't something I was expecting when Joanne and I drove back to Fredericton after an amazing three days of worship and music at East 2 West Festival last weekend.

It started modestly. Joanne was driving and the car started to handle a little strange, as if it was struggling to keep a consistent speed. The deterioration happened fast from there. The best way I can describe it is to say the car stuttered - it would get up to 110 km/h, go for a few minutes or so, then the speed would drop and no matter how hard you pushed down on the gas, it kept dropping and dropping until you had to pull over because you were doing 60 km/h on the highway.

The dash was lighting up, the car was struggling to move forward and I was equal parts stressed out, concerned for our safety and frustrated that, once again, my car was on the fritz.

I drove along the shoulder of the highway, four-ways on, until we were just outside Gagetown. That's when I caved and called a tow truck. We were getting into a stretch of highway with too many exits, too many merges and too much truck traffic. It wasn't safe to keep going.

I made it back to Fredericton about three hours later than expected, $125 poorer and feeling exhausted from waiting out in the hot sun. We dropped the car off at the garage, which was closed because it was Sunday. There were ideas thrown around about what caused the car to fail so spectacularly, but there weren't any decisive answers.

 Normally, this would have driven me crazy. I like having answers and solutions and knowing what's going on.

Instead? I felt peace. Calmed. At ease. It was so evident my partner even pointed it out.

"You've had an amazing amazing weekend worshipping God. No wonder the enemy is like "mmm nope". Just remember how amazing He is."

Laura Cooper 

Here's the thing: I'm certainly not happy that my car is acting up again. I'm not looking forward to paying for whatever repairs it needs this time and, as someone who likes having answers, it's difficult not knowing what's going on.

But I am certainly certain that God is good in all circumstances. I've seen it - in the good company I had with me along the side of the road (especially considering before Joanne bought tickets, I was going to go to the festival alone); in the advice and help offered by family when the problems began; in the kid at the gas station who tried to help us by making a funnel out of a bottle so we could pour methyl hydrate into the gas tank (long story - didn't work, the methyl hydrate or the funnel. It was the thought that counted!); in the reasonable price tag on the tow; and in the generosity of Joanne's husband, Matt, who leant me his car while mine is out of commission.

I could be upset, but the reality of the situation is I have far more to be grateful for.

All that said, I'm still a little nervous about the car. This week has been interesting - the diagnosis was the gasoline we received from the Petro-Canada station in Riverview was dirty and it clogged up our fuel filter. We had that replaced, as well as an O2 sensor, but the car is still struggling to get over 2,000 RPM right now. The recommendation at this time is to burn out the gas in the tank, fill it with better quality gas and see what happens. Hopefully that will fix the problem but the reality is it's an old car - about 13 years old to be exact - so who really knows? My partner and I have already started having discussions about a new vehicle, although I remain hopeful we'll be able to get a little more out of the green beast before it's just too much to maintain. Whatever the case, I know this is very much in God's hands.

In the meantime, I'm going to do about the only thing I can do, the only thing worth doing - I'm going to trust him.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7 

he's surely alive!

How far would you go...to defend your belief in God?

Present-day college freshman and devout Christian Josh Wheaton (Shane Harper) finds his faith challenged on his first day of philosophy class by the dogmatic and argumentative Professor Radisson (Kevin Sorbo). Radisson begins class by informing students that they will need to disavow, in writing, the existence of God on the first day or face a failing grade. As other students in the class begin scribbling the words "God is dead" on pieces of paper as instruction, Josh finds himself at a crossroads, having to choose between his faith and his future. Josh offers a nervous refusal, provoking an irate reaction from his smug professor. Radisson assigns him a daunting task: if Josh will not admit that God is dead, he must prove God's existence by presenting well-researched, intellectual arguments and evidence over the course of the semester, and engage Radisson in a head-to-head debate in front of the class. If Josh fails to convince his classmates of God's existence, he will fail the course and hinder his lofty academic goals. With almost no one in his corner, Josh wonders if he can really fight for what he believes. Can he actually prove the existence of God? 

(from the official movie website) 

I was 18 years old when I started to doubt. 

Less than two months after graduating from high school, I packed up all my things, piled them into a van and hit the road, St. Thomas University bound for my first year of studies. I felt ready for it - I didn't venture far while growing up in small-town Nova Scotia and even though I had never been to Fredericton and didn't know anyone there, I was excited a chance to disconnect from some of the hurt and sadness home had come to hold over the years. Leaving meant a fresh start, an opportunity to live a life defined by the present instead of the past.

I picked St. Thomas University for two reasons: it had a journalism program and they gave me a big pile of money to pay tuition. The second reason was the deciding one. Growing up, I had my heart set on going to University of Kings College in Halifax and while I got into the school (and its journalism program through early admissions), STU made a much better offer for a student who wouldn't have been able to ever afford university otherwise. 

Journalism at STU is tiered program, meaning admission is based on the completion of several pre-requiste courses and there's an application process to select candidates for the major. It took a year and a half to complete the pre-requisites which meant, for a year and a half, prospective students take one journalism course a semester and fill the rest of the slots with other courses (BA requirements, electives, whatever). Along with my two journalism courses, my first year classes included political science, sociology, French and English.

With exception to my journalism classes, the English course I took in first year was my favourite class. Actually, it would be fair to say the English classes I took at STU were the best courses I took during my entire undergrad. And despite where this story is heading, I should note that's a position I maintain, although the reasons have changed over the years.

What I liked about the English courses I took was the focus on critical thinking. That's what a Liberal arts degree is supposed to be all about and although I took a lot of really great classes, no course I took emphasized this more than first year English. I was exposed to so many different things through this class. I learned to love poetry and to hate Shakespeare less. I wrote papers that actually required some time and thought. I worked hard for my grades. 

The most important thing, though, was that I was introduced to some ideas and thoughts about life and existence that I hadn't considered in any great deal before as an 18-year-old who grew up in the church. For the first time, I had some meaningful exposure to concepts like existentialism and humanism, the idea that we're all in this together and questions related to how authority is assigned. Perhaps most significant, the course wasn't centred on a goal of swaying opinions to one side or another - the purpose was to encourage us to think, to look at what we believe and consider the reasons why we believe it. 

The professor made it clear from the start that he wasn't the authority on truth - what he wanted to see was for us as students to learn how to develop our arguments and defences for the things we think and believe. 

I spent my first year reading and researching and writing and thinking. And by the end of my first year, all that reading and researching and writing and thinking had me wondering why I believed the things I believed. I knew the answer to that question wasn't going to be an easy one and the process of spending any great deal of time examining that stressed me out.

So I settled - decided not to worry too much about it, to be OK with a lukewarm faith and to just focus on living my life now.

(Because that's always a good plan, right?)

They on the rock are they, which, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, which for a while believe, and in time of temptation fall away.

Luke 8:13

I started this blog not long after I started making my way back to God. In the first post, I wrote about an incident where I watched a homeless man taking a seizure underneath a tree located near my apartment. It was a defining moment for me, but it certainly wasn't the first of its kind. Much like my reading and research in university made me skeptical, my skepticism brought questions, too. 

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there so much conflict in the world? What about poverty and illness and human suffering?  Why bother going through so much terrible stuff if in the end, we all just die and there's nothing else? 

I've seen a lot of the abovementioned queries brought to life over the last few years. At work, I cover stories of tragedy, talking to people who's just watched their home and everything that's had burn to the ground or to parents who've just lost a loved one. I've watched family and friends cope with grief and illness and struggle with heavy burdens. Living apart from God, I'd try to find a reason, to figure out what the point of all this suffering is, but I could never find an answer. 

After a point, I was tired of feeling hopeless. I had seen enough of what a world without God and what living only for the now had to offer. I was happy I saw it and glad for what I had learned, but I was ready to go home.

because the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life

well, it's life, but I'm sure there's gotta be more than wanting to more. 

Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates. 

2 Corinthians 13:5 

In English class, we talked a lot about the Hero's Journey. This journey involves a starting point, a place where the hero feels comfortable and at ease, before traveling down an unfamiliar path. On this path, the hero meets several obstacles that challenge and test thoughts and ideas and physical limitations; these things aren't always easy but they're essential to growth and development. This is the descent into the unknown, a descent that takes the hero as far away as possible from the known, the place where he or she began. Then begins the journey back, the upswing, the return to the familiar, except at this point, the hero has changed, the result of what he or she experienced on the journey.

I know I'm not the first person to wander. I won't be the last, either. What I can say, though, is while I used to feel a lot of shame for not being more confident in my faith, the journey helped in a way because the end result was a faith that's stronger and more certain than anything I've ever experienced. 

I don't have all the answers - I never will - but I have hope and I have peace knowing this life isn't where it ends.

It's just the beginning. 

Now I'm lost in your freedom

and this world I'll overcome.

My God's not dead, he's surely alive! 

new seasons

And let us not be weary in doing well: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Galatians 6:9

I like winter. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say it's my favourite season.

It begins in November. The days start getting shorter, the air is cool and crisp and the stores start putting up decorations - white lights, Christmas bulbs, glitter everywhere and on everything. I like the first snow and I like scarves and mittens and winter coats; I like turning on the oven and spending the evening in the kitchen baking and I like spending too much money on gifts for the people I love most. 

I like how December and January and February feel enough to put up with the things like terrible driving conditions and the ridiculously cold weather that comes with living in Atlantic Canada.

But, as much as I like winter, there comes a point where I'm ready for it to be over - where I'm ready for the snow to melt, for spring jackets and warmer temperatures, for more light. 

And like most people I know, I am well beyond that point by now.

It's almost the end of April and it snowed last week. Not a lot and it didn't stick around long, but leaving my Wednesday night dance class and seeing that thin layer of snow on the grass was disheartening. We're seeing some nicer days, some blue skies and sunshine, but there are still so many dark days. It's been bumming me out - there's no other way to put it. 

I am in a strange place in just about every area of my life right now, caught somewhere between the shadow and light. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me because in so many ways, things are going well.

Work is great - my schedule has changed, which is allowing me to focus on some things I've been wanting to tackle for a while. I've been producing work I'm happy with and, in a couple weeks, I'll be heading to Halifax for an award gala where I've been nominated in a category recognizing early career work (I don't expect to win, but it's still pretty cool to be nominated). My social life is great - I've been spending a lot of time with friends and the next few weeks are going to be busy between a bachelorette party, a concert, the above mentioned award ceremony, a long-weekend wedding and my partner's birthday. My partner and I recently celebrated three years together and things are going great. There have been some not so great things over the last few months - dental bills I can't afford, health scares in the family, a car that constantly needs repairs - but for the most part, I know I have it good.

And yet, despite these wonderful things, there are days when I just don't want to get out of bed because it's dark and grey and miserable out there and I don't want any part of it. 

Winter 2014 has been too long. I like the feeling the season brings, but I am a lover of light. 

I wasn't going to write this because I didn't want to give the wrong impression of my emotional state. The prolonged winter has made me a little blue, but I don't think I'm alone in this feeling. 

Everything will be OK, though. It has been a long wait, but spring is coming and the days are getting longer. Things are slowly coming back to life - I am coming back to life, welcoming daylight a little more every day.

salt+light

About a year ago, I started sponsoring Ivette, a 14-year-old girl from Burkina Faso, through Compassion Canada. Being able to provide her with some financial support has been great but my favourite part has been the letters.

I send her photos of my family and friends and she draws pictures for me. She tells me about her school and her family while I write about the fact that it's likely never going to stop snowing in New Brunswick this winter. I share scripture that's been inspiring me lately and she asks me to pray for her and her family.

I'm used to getting a lot of questions about my family, about my job, about my cat (yes. I have sent her photos of Lyla), but the question that came with the latest letter I received surprised me.

"What do you think about being the salt and the light in daily life?"

Though you see this world in me, you know all that I can be

and I am precious in your sight. 

Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

Matthew 5:13

I really like salt. A lot.

Given the choice between a bag of chips or a chocolate bar, I will always, always choose chips. Although I've taken steps to scale back the sodium in my diet over the last few years, salt is one of my favourite seasonings. It's simple and flavourful at the same time. What more could you ask for?

The only thing I don't like about salt is the thirst. It kicks in about half way through the process of devouring a large bag of theatre popcorn and suddenly, the ginormous cup filled with iced tea that came with the combo is too small.

Considering these two traits of salt, it makes sense to me that Jesus would want us to be the salt of the earth and not the basil or the thyme or the paprika. I think sometimes people get the wrong idea about what it means to be a Christian - they think it's this boring life where you can't say or do anything fun and exciting. Maybe that's true for some people, but that hasn't been my experience. Having a relationship with Christ has enriched my life. It's changed the ways I interact with and relate to others. It's jumped started my creativity and brought a calm to my otherwise chaotic life.  It's made me think about my priorities, about the way I spend my time (and money) and make changes that have boosted my happiness because they're more true to the person I am.

My life isn't perfect, but it's blessed and far from boring. My flavour is happiness and joy and peace, all three a direct result of where I've put my faith and trust. None of these flavours should be subtle, either; they should be prominent and pleasing to anyone who comes in contact with them.

And what we're reflecting through our thoughts and actions every day should make others thirst for more.

***

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid/ Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house/ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Matthew 5: 14-16

My partner likes to sleep with the curtains in our bedroom drawn shut.

We live on the top floor of our building with all our windows facing the parking lot of a high school where a street light of sorts is on all through the evening. The curtains fall somewhere between seafoam and evergreen and they're thick and heavy.

My partner likes to close them because they block out all the light and make it easier to for him to sleep.  I dislike having them closed because when all the light is blocked out, I find it hard to wake up in the morning.

I need morning light to get me going in the morning. I'll never be one of those people who can wake up on time without an alarm clock, but light cutting through the darkness tells me it's time for a new day.

That's the thing about light - it dispels the dark and warms those it reaches. It brings us back to life and helps things grow. It brings clarity and understanding.

Jesus was the light of the world and he calls on his followers to be the same. He wants us to be people who dispel the darkness and who warm those who reach us. He wants us to fight back against ignorance and prejudice and selfishness. He want us to shine light on who he is through our thoughts, actions and words.

He wants us to stop hitting the snooze button and go and live and thrive.

***

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me/ For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it/ For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

Matthew 16: 24-26

I guess the short answer to the question - what do you think about being the salt and the light in daily life - is "a lot." I'm not sure how I'm going to condense these thoughts when I sit down to write my letter to Ivette, but hopefully whatever I come up with will be in the spirit of the question.

If not...well, hopefully she'll enjoy the stickers.

Jesus, help us carry you. Alive in us, your light shines through.

With every act of love we bring the Kingdom come. 

six lessons from that time I did 30 yoga classes in 30 days.

Yesterday I did my first hot yoga class in eight days.

During those eight days, I practiced once (a hatha/yin class) but it was at my gym, not the downtown studio I frequent. In fact, I didn't go downtown at all during those eight days.

It wasn't an accident or the result of being busy. It was a decision I made intentionally when I left the studio on March 2 after completing my first 30 day challenge.

The concept of the 30 day challenge is pretty simple: 30 practices in 30 days. The studio I go to hosts these challenges on a semi-regular basis but I've always had a reason to not commit to it, the biggest one being work. The hours at the studio don't always work with my job, working the weekend shift is basically like being on call, etc.

But when January rolled around and the sign up sheet for the next challenge came out, I really felt like it was something I had to do so I signed up before I could change my mind.
And somehow, I managed to make it work. It wasn't easy - coming into the last week of the challenge, I had a lot of classes to make up, my skin and hair were freaking out from spending hours at a time in the hot room to catch up and all my body wanted to do was rest.

So, as my partner and I drove to Moncton after that last class, I made a decision to give my body what it was asking for while taking some time to reflect on the challenge.

What I learned from the 30 day challenge.

I really love BodyJam

BodyJam 67 - DeathJam. So. Much. Fun.

The toughest part of the challenge for me was when I realized, coming into the last week of the challenge, I had to do 11 classes in six days. Not only did that mean spending up to two hours in the hot room at a time some nights, it meant skipping the one other class I kept doing throughout the challenge - BodyJam.

BodyJam is easily my favourite group exercise class. After a truly terrible experience with BodyStep, I decided to try Jam on a whim one night a couple years ago and I've been going regularly ever since. What I like about Jam is there's no right or wrong - it's all about having fun so it's accessible at any skill level. Going to Jam regularly has given me a lot more confidence and my co-ordination has improved a lot, too (which made my subsequent BodyStep experiences positive ones).

Missing Jam to make up classes sucked. Although I've never left my mat thinking 'Man, I sure wish I hadn't gone to that yoga class!' there was a part of me that would have rather been dancing. Also, there were a couple times when I had to fit a practice in AFTER Jam and those classes were physically challenging.

I like variety when it comes to fitness

I didn't miss any other activity I do regularly the way I missed BodyJam when I skipped it for a yoga class, but I can say the thing I found myself looking forward to most coming into the last days of the challenge was re-integrated other classes into my routine. As I mentioned above, I decided early in the challenge that once it was finished, I would take a few days off to relax before getting back into it, so the next step will be figuring out what I want to do for fitness. I'm not totally sure what it will look like yet, but I do know it will involve a better mix of cardio/strength/flexibility.

It's OK to 'take it easy' sometimes

Listen to your body and take rest/water when you need it - these are the instructions given at the start of every class at the hot studio where I practice but I didn't really think too much of them until the challenge.

There were nights when, after an hour and a half of practice, there was no way I was going to be able to kick back in dancer or get to the depth of my lunge in warrior two. There were times when 'moving through one last flow on your own breath' was 'remain in downward dog.' And there were times when staying for 'five extra breaths' in savasana at the end of class just wasn't going to be possible.

I like being able to push and challenge myself so not being able to go my edge every class was a challenge for me. But it was also humbling and helped me take that simple advice from the start of class seriously for the first time since I started practicing three years ago.

Another fine example of "listening to your body and taking rest when you need it" happened the night I intentionally skipped a class in favour of reading in the bath. 

Big improvements happen when you let go of your ego

Back in the fall, an instructor I didn't have a lot of previous exposure to made an observation that changed a lot of things about my practice. It was a small, evening class, maybe eight or 10 people in the room, and we were going through a series of flows - downward dog, plank, chaturanga, upward facing dog. Three flows in, the instructor approached and quietly offered the advice to work from the knees and flow into cobra instead of upward facing dog.

In other words, take a modified flow instead of a full flow.

At this point, I had been practicing yoga regularly for more than three years and I'll admit it: at first I was a bit miffed by the suggestion. To me, choosing a modified option was choosing an easier option. Not to mention it seemed odd to me that in three years, no other instructor had ever suggested that might be a better option for me. Why would I listen to an instructor I'd taken a grand total of like, two classes with?

Yeah, talk about stubborn, ego-fueled thinking.

Between talking to the instructor after class about the suggestion and my own reading on the subject after class, her suggestion was absolutely the right one to make for me because, as it turned out, I had  actually been doing chaturanga wrong for YEARS without knowing it. Downward dog, plank and upward facing dog were easy enough for me, but I did not (and still do not) have the upper body strength to properly do chaturanga.

But practicing a modified flow can help me get there some day.

I've been doing modified flows instead of full flows for months now and I've noticed a big difference as a result. I'm still not ready for the full flow yet but my transitions have become much cleaner, much more fluid. And honestly, if you're doing a modified flow properly? It's not an 'easier' option - physically or for the ego. Remembering easy doesn't really exist when it comes to yoga was important for me during the challenge.

Excuses are just that.

I did not think I could do a 30 day challenge. My job is unpredictable and my schedule often conflicts with the hours at the studio.  Some days, the only class I would be able to make it to was one I 'couldn't' do (like a flow class); some nights, the roads would be terrible because winter in New Brunswick sucks like that and I don't like driving when it's terrible out.

These were the reasons I gave myself for not participating in challenges in the past and I was ready to apply them again this time...until the charts went up and I started questioning:

Sure, the hours at the studio don't always line up with my schedule, but if I combined my hot studio practice with my regular hatha/yin practice at the gym, could I fit in 30 hours?

Yeah, a flow class would be challenging, but I've been doing Moksha for about a year. My body could probably handle it and it might be good to add some variety to my practice.

Driving in the winter sucks, but it's not like I live far from the studio (and if all else fails, my partner could likely drive me down).

My job is unpredictable, but I cannot let that rule my life. I love my job but I am not my job. 

That's not to say these things didn't have an impact on the challenge once it started but it felt a lot better living in a world governed by things that were happened instead of things that could happen.

It's OK to take time for myself 

Considering the incredibly social nature of my job, people are always surprised by how much I like my solitude. When I'm not working, I can be very selfish with my personal time, to an extent that I often feel kind of bad about it.

During my hatha/yin classes, the instructor always starts the class by saying 'the next hour is all about you' before encouraging us to forget about the rest of the day and be present - something I struggle with daily while trying to balance everything.

Reaching the last week of the 30 day challenge with so many classes to catch up forced me to take the time I needed for myself to accomplish the goal I had set - to recognize that goal as important and to do what needs to be done to achieve it understanding there's nothing selfish about having personal goals that require time and attention to achieve. This was easily the most important lesson of the whole challenge for me.

There's probably more I could have said about the challenge, but I think this covers the most important points. I don't really write posts like this, preferring to focus more on faith and stories and all that, but yoga is a pretty big part of my daily/spiritual life and actually completing a 30 day challenge was a big deal for me so I figured it was worth noting.