would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
let love come teach me who You are again.
would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
+ all I wanted was just to be with You
come do whatever you want to.
"Tired."
That is the first word I've been reaching for lately whenever someone asks me how I'm doing.
It comes easily, often without hesitation. Sometimes it's accompanied by a work-related explanation or a remark about how summer's just aren't as relaxing as they were once upon a time. Almost always, the immediate response is a true one; tired is a pretty good way to describe my state lately.
The good news in it all: this state refers almost exclusively to the idea of being physically in need of rest. A couple weeks ago, a pastor at our church preached on the whole idea of the sabbath - specifically, the fact that we live in a time where we tend to ignore it. Taking breaks and resting just...isn't something we do well in 2015. We are on all the time. We're plugged in. We're working. We're busy. We don't stop. We don't rest.
This is something I can relate to on so many levels. I'll even take it a step further and add that, on the rare occasion when I do actually take that down time, I feel terribly guilty about it, knowing there is probably something I could be doing. I like feeling productive. I like to-do lists. I like getting things done. I don't do idle well so more often than not, I'll just go and go and go until I can't anymore.
And even then, I'll try to push through it. The end result: for me, it looks like low energy, physical illness, waking up tired, writers block. Just total fatigue to the point where stopping isn't an option anymore - it's a requirement.
Sunday's sermon focused on the parable of the sower and the seed (Matthew 13). In this parable, Jesus spoke about a sower scattering seeds on four different types of ground: a hard surface, a stony surface, a thorny surface, and good soil.
The hard surface is the hardened heart - the place where the seed lands, and is immediately snatched up by the enemy. There's no chance of the seed taking root there.
The stony land is a bit better, but not much. The seed planted there lacks deep roots - and that's a problem, because those deep roots are needed to live.
Although the conditions of the heart change every day, most of the time, I can't relate much to the first two types of planting conditions. It's the third one - the thorny ground - that gets me. The thorny ground is the heart of the person who has too much going on. As the pastor put it: "you can be choked and strangled by your calendar."
The stony land is a bit better, but not much. The seed planted there lacks deep roots - and that's a problem, because those deep roots are needed to live.
Although the conditions of the heart change every day, most of the time, I can't relate much to the first two types of planting conditions. It's the third one - the thorny ground - that gets me. The thorny ground is the heart of the person who has too much going on. As the pastor put it: "you can be choked and strangled by your calendar."
Um...amen?
In all seriousness, I've found that to be so true. I've also come to find it's incredibly problematic, at least in my own life, because here is the thing: being a slave to the calendar and feeling burnt out as a result hinders my ability to love God and love others well.
And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.
Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.
And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.
Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.
Genesis 2:2-3
Why am I writing about this here? The purpose isn't to complain about being OHSOBUSY or attempt to garner sympathy or anything. Instead, it's an attempt to explain what ultimately amounts to a heart issue I've struggled with since...well, for years. The internet makes it so easy to fake it and paint a distorted picture of reality - something I'm not interested in doing.
My vacation begins in four days. I'm heading to Ontario for most of my nine-ish days off, and my goal for the time off is simple: to recharge. To sleep in. To not go to the gym. To eat a lot of great food. To go on adventures with my best friend. And to not feel tethered to my desk or my email or my phone for a little while.
And I'm not going to feel guilty about any of it at all.
(It's probably also worth noting after DAYS of feeling creatively blocked, this post came SO easily - which tells me it's one of those things that needed to come out before anything else can flow freely again)
