yes (or: the shepherd and the sheep)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want (King James version) 

or

The LORD is my shepherd. I lack nothing (common english bible) 

or

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need (good news translation)

or

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want (new international version)

or

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need (new living translation) 

Psalm 23:1

"A little off-topic, but what's do you have a favourite verse?"

The scene: it's Friday night and I'm at Starbucks with two dear friends. It's about 9 p.m., and for the last couple hours, we've been together, talking about the first six chapters of Isaiah. Mostly. As per usual, the conversation started there but our structure has always been more informal, free to flow in whatever direction the Lord sees fit. It's been working for us. I love meeting with these beautiful souls and talking about Jesus and faith and life and everything in between.

"Matthew 16:24-28," I said, without hesitation. I can recite most of it from memory at this point, but I still picked up my bible and turned to the passage to read it.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. 

Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

I love everything about this passage, but it's verse 26 (highlighted) that I love the most. It reminds me of what's important - and, by contrast, what isn't. I have it summed up in a tattoo on my forearm, highly visible and complete with the biblical co-ordinates because I need this reminder more often than I would like to admit.

Lord, forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,

that fight for our love, and our passion.

As our eyes are open wide and on you, grand us the privilege of your world view

And may your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down. 

"What about you guys?" I asked after the reading and explanation. "Do you guys have a favourite verse?"

When they both answered the question with Psalm 23, it was almost a little sheepish. "I know it's kind of cliche," one said, "but I just find it really comforting, you know?"

The six verses that make up Psalm 23 are pretty well-known.  It's a psalm of peace during turmoil. It's a common funeral text. I think it would be fair to say many Christians (myself included) can recite it from memory. Chances are, even if you're not a Christian, you've heard it at some point in your life.

It's a really beautiful piece of scripture filled with some really lovely images and I would agree those six verses are comforting during hard times. They bring about a feeling of peace and ease. They're reassuring to the restless heart.  Most people feel good when they read Psalm 23.

Most people. I'll be honest: I didn't feel good when I read it.  Not at all.

Reading Psalm 23, I felt convicted.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. (KJV)

The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. (NLT)

Shepherd

noun

a person who tends, or rears, sheep

verb

1. tend (sheep) as a shepherd

2. guide or direct in a particular direction

The duty of shepherds in history was to keep their flock intact, to guide it, to provide for it and to protect it from predators. Simply put, the job of the shepherd was to care for the sheep. The sheep knew that, they recognized the shepherd as a friend. They follow as a result.
John 10 draws on this relationship, speaking of Jesus as the good shepherd who loves and cares for his sheep.

I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

John 10:11

Looking at those two passages side by side - Psalm 23:1 and John 10:11 - the questions become simple.

What is shepherding me? If the shepherd's job is to meet the needs of the sheep, what am I trusting to do that in my life?  Is it Jesus, or is it something else?

To be honest? Sometimes, it looks an awful lot like something else. Sometimes, I let my finances shepherd me. Sometimes, I let my relationships with others (romantic/family/friends) shepherd me. Sometimes, it's my career.

Most of the time, these are decisions made without too much thought. They come more natural than the alternative. They are things popular culture and the world today teaches are important. And they are, on some level.

But you can't serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).

You can't follow two shepherds.

So, the follow up question: what's it going to be?

In church, the sermon series has been on 1 Peter, focusing on normal Christian life.  Unlike a lot of new testament letters addressed to churches, the purpose of 1 Peter isn't to correct bad theology; he is writing instead to a church in need of encouragement during a time when it wasn't exactly easy to be a Christian (sound familiar).

At the end of the first sermon, the pastor spoke about hope. Like the audience Peter was writing to, we live in a broken, hurting world. There's a lot of suffering, a lot of hardship, a lot of need for a lot of hope.

But when Peter spoke about hope, he wasn't talking about hope as superstition or hope as the power of positive thinking.  Because at the end of the day, everything of earth - things, organizations, ideas, people - will let you down.

Knowing that, Peter was talking about hope rooted to the secure foundation of Christ - the one who came to earth, lived, then died on a cross for our sins. The good shepherd, who gave up his life to protect his sheep.

So, what are you banking on, the pastor asked.

"You know life will punch you in the soul. You know there is suffering," he said.

"But I'm all in on Jesus."

You hear the cry of every broken heart

You give the hopeless soul a brand new start

You lead the captive in Your freedom song

This is who you are. 

After 25 years of being all over the place - wandering and straying, coming and going, mountaintops and deep, dark valleys, trials, tribulations, times of great joy, of great worry, of being let down...I'm saying me too. Saying yes to the hope and freedom Christ offers.

I've seen the world's brand of hope. I've tried it. But at the end of the day it doesn't compare. It can't.

isanybodyoutthere?/when the fog lifts/take a minute.

I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

Psalm 38:8

September was an emotional roller coaster.

I've been struggling for the last week to come up with a way to describe why, turning ideas over in my mind, writing and re-writing until I get frustrated and throw in the towel. This didn't come as a surprise to me; my ability to express myself in writing has always been, on some level, linked directly to my state of mind. And while I would not go as far as to say I've been in a bad place mentally, it has certainly been a strange one.

I turned 25 at the beginning of the month. I don't really make a big deal out of birthdays (as noted in my previous post) but man...was September ever one of those months where that stupid number paired with various events playing out around me sent my emotions all over the place.

Realistically, I know 25 is still very young and, at 25, I have accomplished a lot of things. I've made my way through a university degree, which was paid in full before graduation. I found work in my field immediately and a combination of luck and God's good grace put me in a great spot to turn what started as a four month internship into a full-time job. Every day, I talk to people and tell their stories and although I don't think I'm the greatest writer/reporter to ever live (far from it!), I have received some recognition for my work over the short span of my career. 

At 25, I don't worry as much about how in the world I'm going to pay my bills or whether I'm going to have to eat Kraft Dinner and peanut butter sandwiches for every meal this week or if I can afford a trip to the dentist or not. At 25, I'm in a spot where I was able to trade in my old, unreliable car for something newer, even though the insurance doubled. At 25, I have a degree of financial security that I've never had before.

Of course, it's not all about material benefits. At 25, I have some really fantastic friends, a solid group of girlfriends, an amazing church community I'm looking forward to diving into more and a partner I am in love with completely. 

Basically, 25 looks pretty swell. Scratch that - it IS pretty swell. Knowing that should be a cause for calm - for contentment, for peace. Some days it is. Other days, not so much.

I don't want to be left in this world tonight.

Am I alone in this fight?

Is anybody out there? 

^ I started this post about a week ago.

I was sitting at Starbucks, feeling run down and struggling to find a way to articulate why. Those six and a half paragraphs took the better part of an hour to get down. I'd write a sentence, read it over, delete it, re-write it, delete it again...you get the idea. True to what I wrote in the second paragraph, my ability to write is often linked directly to where I am mentally. When I was writing last week, it's fair to say I was in a strange headspace. I stopped writing because the shop was closing and figured I'd finish it when i had more time.

Well, it took about a week to find that time and what a difference that week made.

That's not to say last week was sunshine and roses - it really wasn't. I was working the early shift and while I would like to one day be an early bird, as it stands, I'm a nighthawk so there were a lot of tired afternoons. Friday was particularly long, the result of interviews late in the afternoon, which meant I was at work from about 7 a.m., straight through until 5 p.m. On top of feeling burnt out from work, there has been some other stuff happening in my life that doesn't involve me directly but definitely has an impact on me (vague, I know, but it's not my story to tell). All that taken into considered, it doesn't appear a lot has changed.

But it has. Somewhere between writing those words last week and writing these ones now, a fog I didn't really know had settled over me has lifted. The result? Mental clarity, peace of mind and no longer feeling like I'm breathing underwater or like my heart is being squeezed too tight.

And all I can say is PRAISE GOD because I know he deserves all the credit for that much needed shift in perspective, that reminder to stop worrying (after all, worry? Just worship to sin) and just...let God be God.

You give hope, you restore every heart that is broken

oh, great are you, Lord. 

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

This is all over the place. I thought about deleting all the angsting from last week and starting again, but I think it's important for me to be honest here. Despite working at a job that very much requires a degree of extraversion, I've realized I am actually a huge introvert. I'm not a life of the party type, preferring small groups of close friends to large crowds. I express myself better in writing than I do in spoken word and I'm getting better, but I'm not great at being emotionally vulnerable. All that to say I'm pretty good at putting on a front for the sake of self-preservation.

But I'm working on it. God's working me through it. And, as it does, his grace is making all things new.