i don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak

even though few may stand and proclaim your great name

it's the life I want to live. I'm convinced there is none like you.

O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.

Psalm 25:20

The scenario played out like this:

Standing in the mall parking lot after spending a few hours in a coffee shop working out the logistics of starting a bible study group, Liz, a friend and colleague, told me about a conversation she had with a mutual friend after reading my blog for the first time.

Liz: "I messaged her and said 'You know Tara? Well, guess what? She's one of us!" 

'One of us' could have meant a lot of things in this particular instance. The three of us have some big things in common.

We're all St. Thomas University graduates and we're all journalists working in the field. I own less than five pairs of pants, which is relevant to this because I'm fairly certain I've only seen either of them wear something other than a dress or a skirt a handful of times. We know a lot of the same people and for the time being, we're all living on the East Coast. 

But none of those things were what Liz was talking about. One of us, in this case, meant a Christian. 

And in this case, initially, finding out I was 'one of them' came as a surprise. 

Growing up, being a Christian wasn't some secret part of my identity. I went to church - I taught Sunday school to young children and worked in the nursery, went to morning and evening services, went to prayer meeting on Wednesday night and youth group/teen group on Friday nights. I taught children's church and when I was too old for vacation bible school, I volunteered. I sang in the choir and frequently performed solos or duets. If I wasn't at school or work, there was a good chance I was at church.

But, as I shared previously, I gave up a lot of those things when I left for university. I wandered. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32, I lived on the wild side for a season. I partied and drank. I went to places I shouldn't have been, hung around with people who influenced me in the worst ways and did some things I'm not particularly proud of. 

And like the prodigal son, it was famine that brought me back - not the literal kind, but a spiritual/emotional starving that had left me feeling depleted and worn, empty and broken. 

That was a couple years ago. When I started making my way back to faith, it was a deeply personal thing for me and something I did, to a degree, in private. I needed to be alone with God and spend time by myself studying his Word in a meaningful way instead of the superficial or dutiful way I had done in the past. I knew God calls us to be in community with one another, to encourage and build each other up, but after spending so long wandering, I felt like I needed some one-on-one time with God if I wanted to take our relationship from pre-teen crush to a more passionate love. 

I started this blog in March 2013 because I wanted a place to share my thoughts, to express myself and reflect. By March 2013, I had been working on my faith for several months and I felt much more confident and certain in my identity as a daughter of the King. I still had a lot to learn (which continues to be the case) but that was OK because I was eager and keen to dive deeper.

But I still hesitated when it came to posting a link to that first blog post on Facebook. I still felt nervous, writing and rewriting the preamble over and over again as I wrestled with the big question:

 What will my Facebook friends think when they read this?

what will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak? 

what will people do when they find that it's true? 

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek. For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, the just shall live by faith.

Romans 1:16-17

The first conversations I had with Laura, a dear friend and colleague in Moncton, happened through Facebook. I had posted about going to the East 2 West Christian music festival in Shediac and after commenting about how she wished she was going to see the newsboys, we started talking in chat.

"It's so nice to see another Christian journalist not afraid to state themselves as such!"

The first time I hit publish here, the first time I shared a post through social media, I was nervous but I'm not anymore. 

A lot has changed in the last couple years and so much of it is a byproduct of a really important realization: I love and cherish my friends, regardless of where they've been or what they believe, but seeking God's voice and heart is always more important and worthwhile than seeking favour among men. I will never be the kind of person who is pushy - I believe it's more important for a person to come to faith because they truly believe, not because it's been forced on them - and I will always, always look for ways to love on those around me beyond everything else, but in the same breath, I'm not going to be quiet or ashamed of the gospel or Jesus. 

It might be more comfortable in the short term to sit down and shut up, but the long term consequences just aren't worth it. As Christians, we can't afford to be silent. And no man is an island.

we've been to the mountaintop; we've seen the glory of our God

He is here in the valley low. He's here, I feel it in my bones.

A final note: after our first "official" bible study, I posted a photo online. There were five of us at the table that night and I put the term official in quotes for a reason - although we did have an assigned reading to complete (Ruth and part of John), the structure was pretty informal in that we basically just...sat around the table and talked about faith and God and Jesus, drawing from the scripture but also our own personal experiences. It was really lovely and I can't speak for the other girls, but I left feeling really refreshed.

Even more refreshing? Since I posted that photo, I've had at least three people mention they'd like to join our group. 

If that's not God using the thing that once made me nervous to do something glorious, I don't know what is. 

Good friends, coffee (or coffee beverages) and the Word-

Is there anything better? 

and I will trust in You.

somedays, you're worshipping in a field; other days, you're standing on the side of the highway, getting sunburnt while you wait for a tow truck...

Car trouble wasn't something I was expecting when Joanne and I drove back to Fredericton after an amazing three days of worship and music at East 2 West Festival last weekend.

It started modestly. Joanne was driving and the car started to handle a little strange, as if it was struggling to keep a consistent speed. The deterioration happened fast from there. The best way I can describe it is to say the car stuttered - it would get up to 110 km/h, go for a few minutes or so, then the speed would drop and no matter how hard you pushed down on the gas, it kept dropping and dropping until you had to pull over because you were doing 60 km/h on the highway.

The dash was lighting up, the car was struggling to move forward and I was equal parts stressed out, concerned for our safety and frustrated that, once again, my car was on the fritz.

I drove along the shoulder of the highway, four-ways on, until we were just outside Gagetown. That's when I caved and called a tow truck. We were getting into a stretch of highway with too many exits, too many merges and too much truck traffic. It wasn't safe to keep going.

I made it back to Fredericton about three hours later than expected, $125 poorer and feeling exhausted from waiting out in the hot sun. We dropped the car off at the garage, which was closed because it was Sunday. There were ideas thrown around about what caused the car to fail so spectacularly, but there weren't any decisive answers.

 Normally, this would have driven me crazy. I like having answers and solutions and knowing what's going on.

Instead? I felt peace. Calmed. At ease. It was so evident my partner even pointed it out.

"You've had an amazing amazing weekend worshipping God. No wonder the enemy is like "mmm nope". Just remember how amazing He is."

Laura Cooper 

Here's the thing: I'm certainly not happy that my car is acting up again. I'm not looking forward to paying for whatever repairs it needs this time and, as someone who likes having answers, it's difficult not knowing what's going on.

But I am certainly certain that God is good in all circumstances. I've seen it - in the good company I had with me along the side of the road (especially considering before Joanne bought tickets, I was going to go to the festival alone); in the advice and help offered by family when the problems began; in the kid at the gas station who tried to help us by making a funnel out of a bottle so we could pour methyl hydrate into the gas tank (long story - didn't work, the methyl hydrate or the funnel. It was the thought that counted!); in the reasonable price tag on the tow; and in the generosity of Joanne's husband, Matt, who leant me his car while mine is out of commission.

I could be upset, but the reality of the situation is I have far more to be grateful for.

All that said, I'm still a little nervous about the car. This week has been interesting - the diagnosis was the gasoline we received from the Petro-Canada station in Riverview was dirty and it clogged up our fuel filter. We had that replaced, as well as an O2 sensor, but the car is still struggling to get over 2,000 RPM right now. The recommendation at this time is to burn out the gas in the tank, fill it with better quality gas and see what happens. Hopefully that will fix the problem but the reality is it's an old car - about 13 years old to be exact - so who really knows? My partner and I have already started having discussions about a new vehicle, although I remain hopeful we'll be able to get a little more out of the green beast before it's just too much to maintain. Whatever the case, I know this is very much in God's hands.

In the meantime, I'm going to do about the only thing I can do, the only thing worth doing - I'm going to trust him.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7