three years.

I don't know where I was or what I was doing when you died, but I'll never forget the details of the moment I found out.

It was a Sunday morning and I was in the edit suite at the CBC basement classroom, working on a story for Tuesday's issue of The Aquinian. I was barely two paragraphs into the story when my managing editor appeared in the doorway and told me the news.

One of the first things I did was type your name into Facebook. I recognized your face - we had been in at least one class together - but the most striking thing about your profile was the number of friends we shared.

I didn't know the details then - I didn't know about the party, the alleged hazing or even where your body had been found - but I knew in that moment things were going to be different on campus going forward.

Over the weeks, details about your death were slowly revealed. Six weeks after the fact, police ruled your death the result of an accidental fall where alcohol was a factor and the volleyball team - your team - was suspended for the rest of the season after the school found evidence of hazing.

The case was closed. 

The middle of October, the days leading up to your death, always leave me feeling sad, even though I'm not really sure I have a right to feel that way. I didn't know you the way my friends did when you were alive but there's no single person who has had a greater effect on my life than you have. 

The days, weeks, months after Oct. 24, 2010 presented some of the most challenging and heartbreaking situations I've ever found myself involved in.  Reconciling my identity as a reporter with my duties as a friend was a difficult thing to do - so much so that I never really got it down. While I certainly agreed it was a story and one that needed to be told, if for no other reason than out of respect for your memory, seeing so many of my friends in pain and mourning hurt in ways I wasn't expecting or prepared for.

Although I felt (and continue to feel) our coverage at the Aquinian was done with care and sensitivity, it was done with such a heavy heart and conscience and I didn't know how to shake it. I drank a lot that year, first with friends, then by myself as I slowly withdrew from my social circle. I started going out by myself and looking for anything to make me feel something other than disgusted with myself for being such a sad mess when there were others who had far more reason to be hurting.

The cloud did lift with time. The investigation into your death concluded. I made some new friends, ones who weren't at all connected to the St. Thomas or the paper or even journalism. I was still drinking a lot and I could tell my classmates were still struggling to cope, but I could also see hope on the horizon.

 It would take time, but I knew eventually hurt would give way to healing and we'd be able to celebrate your life instead of mourning your death.

I interviewed your mom a week before graduation, only a few days into my internship at my first daily newspaper job. My hands were sweaty as I held the phone receiver to my ear and when I got the answering machine, I left what I'm sure was a long, rambling message before hanging up and sighing with relief. The last thing I expected was for her to call me back but she did and we talked for about 20 minutes.

It wasn't until the reception at James Dunn Hall that I had the privilege of meeting your mom in person. She was with some of your friends when I approached her and introduced myself. She thanked me for the story I wrote about you receiving your honourary degree before passing me a small pink box. I knew what it was - she told me about the ornaments she was having made for your friends during our interview - but as I pulled out the walnut, dressed like a STU grad with your name and our grad year on the back, it took everything I had not to cry.

I still keep the ornament pinned to the wall that runs along the side of my desk at the office and it reminds me to be compassionate and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings and hurts of others as I do my job.

Those are things four years of university couldn't teach and I look forward to thanking you for those hard learned lessons one day.

and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Revelation 21: 4

you will find rest.

I did not write a single to-do list last week.

That might not seem noteworthy, but those who know me know that's out of character for me. I like to plan things - I like having a routine, keeping a schedule and having everything around me neat and organized. I'll be the first to admit I often border on anal retentive - I can't sleep if there are dishes in the sink, if I notice a flaw in something I'm wearing (a small stain, a loss string) I'll fixate on it until I can change, and if the polish on one fingernail chips in a way that's noticeable? I'll remove all the polish and repaint.

Yeah, it's a little ridiculous, I know.

But here's the thing: it's effective. If something needs to be done, I make it happen - whether that's taking the apartment from disaster zone to pristine or writing 10 stories at work over the weekend to fill the Monday paper. Productive is my default setting and relaxation isn't something that comes easy to me.  Put simply, I get things done - and until last week, I thought that was a good thing.

I don't have a lot of guilty pleasures but fitness magazines are definitely something I'd file into that category. Some people impulse buy packages of gum or chocolate bars when they're getting groceries, but for me, issues of Yoga Journal, Shape or Women's Health are often the unplanned items that make it into my shopping bags. I keep a big stack of these magazines on the back of the toilet in the bathroom, easy reading material when I'm soaking my sore muscles in the tub after a tough gym session.

I like these magazines because they give my brain a break - while I've learned some interesting things from different articles over the years, it's not exactly hard-hitting journalism that leads to a tremendous amount of thought from me as a reader.

Imagine my surprise when I picked up the most recent issue of Women's Health.

The article was titled The Young and the Restless (it can be read online here) focused on women not getting enough rest. The magazine partnered with The Doctors, a talk show, to conduct a survey to look at the issue and basically the findings were that we're "so perpetually 'on' that our bodies have forgotten how to relax, and that's driving us toward a dangerous type of exhaustion."

The article goes on to talk about the physical problems a lack of rest and living in a constant state of stress can cause by causing adrenal glands to work overtime pumping out cortisol, the stress hormone consistently linked with problems like indigestion and fatigue.  Over time, this leads to burnout. 

Without divulging into too much personal information, I've been dealing with some health related concerns over the last few months. Even though I'm generally pretty open about things here, these are some really intense personal things that I'm really not willing to go into detail about but what I can say is that I am alright and these issues aren't of grave concern. They're more irritating than anything and I've made some lifestyle changes in an effort to address them.

These things have led to some changes but not on the level I'd like to see, which has been tremendously frustrating for me. It didn't really click for me until I read that article that maybe these issues are rooted in something more serious - chronic failure to take adequate rest, to slow down, to relax.


There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his works, as God did from his. Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief.

Hebrews 4: 9-11

(Translation: GOD rested. He did his work - that whole 'creating all of existence' thing - then he took a break. It's safe to say there's nothing I'm doing that's more time consuming, challenging or important than that, so there's no real excuse for me to not take some down time sometimes.)

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat.

Mark 6:31

(Direction straight from Jesus. Clearly, he knows what's up.)

Taking time to slow down and "do nothing" has not been easy for me. There's an episode of Modern Family where Mitchell tells Cam that he "doesn't find relaxing all that relaxing" and I tend to agree with that, especially when it often seems there are so many things I need to be doing. But I'm hoping forcing myself to live a little less scheduled for a while will help, both in terms of addressing the issues I'm dealing with and make me feel less guilty about not being on 24/7.

I can't say I won't make a to-do list this week, but I'm not going to feel bad leaving the dishes in the sink for a couple extra hours so I can finish watching the first season of The Newsroom. It's all about balance.

When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

Proverbs 3:24