making time

but hey, I'm always thinking of you+I can see your influence in the things that I do.

thick+thin, forever my friends- cause there's a vine that was put down deep in our hearts.

Sitting at my desk at 9:47 p.m., Sunday night a couple weeks ago, one frustrating final edit away from the end of a shift that had gone on too long, I thought to myself 'You know, you should be probably be hungry.'

Although I had eaten at around 7:30 p.m., it wasn't really much of a meal. Jeff's parents were visiting, something I missed because I was at work, and they went out to dinner at a restaurant across the street from my office. If it had been earlier in the day, I would have taken a break and went over to join them but as it stood, I was knee-deep in one story with another waiting in the wings. Jeff, being the awesome boyfriend he is, brought me over some of the leftover pizza and although it left me feeling satisfied in terms of hunger, I didn't really feel full. Something was missing.

I realized what it was not long after that first thought crossed my mind, as I was talking to my best friend who lives two provinces away. We've been making some plans for the summer - I'm going to visit her twice, once for about a week, the second time for a weekend to go to a concert - so we've been slowly working out the details.

 I can't remember exactly what we were talking about that night - probably working on figuring out the cheapest way to get from the airport in Toronto to her place in Burlington - but I found myself typing out the words 'I'll look into it when I have more time.' After sending the text, I turned off the volume on my phone, went back to the print-out in front of me, pen poised...then stopped as I realized how often I use a variation of those words in my daily life.

I'll do it when I have time.

I've been meaning to do it, I just haven't had time.

I'm not sure how I'm going to fit that in.

Why don't I have time for this? 

I just don't have time.

Boy, do I wish I had another hour or two in this day! 

Time has always been something of a funny concept to me because it seems like it gets you on both ends. While I might find myself wanting more of it most times, there are certainly instances where the opposite is true. Vacation comes to mind as an example  - I'd love for my trip to see Keri to be closer but in between now and then, I know I'll have many days where it'll feel like I just don't have enough time in the day.

I know why, too - I haven't found a way to fit everything I want/need to do into a 24-hour period in a way that feels balanced yet. I'm very much a Type A personality - I like structure and I like having a plan. But sometimes having a jam packed schedule and a to do list that never seems to make it to done leads to making the worst kind of sacrifices to avoid total burnout.

For me, some typical sacrifices look like this:

- pop (right now, Mountain Dew) over water.
- extra sleep over early morning yoga
- snacking out of the vending machine at work over taking some time in the evening to plan for the next day.
- lazing on the couch instead of working on creative projects.
- making excuses instead of spending time with people I care about.
- staying up too late being unproductive and crashing hard a little after midnight instead of spending some quality time with God.

Not surprising, the things I love most are the things that get pushed aside when I get busy. Eliminating these things from my daily routine? No bueno for my physical, mental OR emotional health. But what's a girl to do?

I've been taking a look at the way I spend my time - figuring out what brings me stress, what makes me excited and what gets cast aside when I have too much on the go. It hasn't a pretty process - usually the things I love most are the first to be put aside when I get busy, but acknowledging that is the first step to making a change, right? That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

Tomorrow is the first day of May. My intention for the month is simple: to use my time wisely and pursue things that matter instead of losing my mind over the things that don't.

Easier said than done? Likely. But necessary and possible with much grace.

girls (and boys) hating girls

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair.

Persecuted, but not forsaken. Cast down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4: 8-9

I wasn't a popular kid growing up.

I didn't fit in – I was always a little heavier, with frizzy hair, bad teeth and awful clothes. I hated gym with a passion, but loved learning; I turned in all my assignments on time, favoured writing over running and books over boys.

Not that it mattered either way: boys weren't interested in me and girls spent most of their time teasing me - sometimes to my face, often behind my back. When we passed the age where you had to invite everyone in the class to your birthday party because you parents said so, the invites stopped coming. It was OK, though. I had a couple friends, I was confident in my skills and strengths and whenever I found myself feeling down, I'd remind myself it was all temporary anyway. That eventually, it wasn't going to matter. I just had to be patient. 

I left home when I was 14, a decision made to escape a situation that had escalated, passing the point of no return, and that confidence only grew stronger. Away from the fear of a home situation gone sour, I became more extroverted, more self-assured and although the typical teenage girl concerns weren't lost on me (so...boy problems) I felt stable. Less worried about what others thought or said about me. More in control of my life and more equipped to deal with the criticisms of others. I knew where I was going in life and chose to focus on the destination, rather than the bumps along the way.

Was I bullied? At one point, I would have said 'absolutely' then launched into a spiel about how life gets better, how the hurt is temporary and how it won't matter later. Those things would be said with total conviction and certainty because my own experience tells me it's possible to overcome it all. I mean, I pulled it off, right? 

Well, I'm not so sure.

Because here's the thing: bullying was different when I was a kid. I grew up in the 1990s-early 2000s. I remember dial-up Internet, passing hand written notes folded in the most unnecessarily complicated way and when talking to friends on the phone meant stretching the phone cord from the kitchen to the living room for privacy. 

We didn't text and Facebook wasn't a thing. MSN complicated the battlefield later in life (passive aggressive display names, anyone?) but much of my elementary and middle school years, bullying stuck pretty close to its definition and, for lack of a better word, it was a lot more innocent. It's strange to use those two words together in a sentence - bullying and innocent - but what I mean is it was different. It was fists, insults hurled across the classroom and being excluded.

It wasn't all done behind a screen and it certainly wasn't any of the absolute insanity we've been seeing lately, especially when it comes to girls. As a public, we react to each case with shock and horror and surprise and I think everyone is starting to wonder the same thing: how did we end up in this place, where girls hate girls and boys hate girls, and how do we get away from it.

Don't get me wrong - girls aren't the only ones who deal with instances of bullying. We did several stories last year about a local high school student who ultimately left the province because he was being bullied by a former girlfriend. Girls are just as capable of bullying boys. Boys bully boys. The roles of perpetrator and victim aren't assigned on the basis of gender.

But between Amanda Todd, Audrie Pott and now, Rehtaeh Parsons...these horrific stories seem to be coming up all the time lately. And that's a tough thing to process. 

These three girls were abused and taken advantage of; they were disrespected, used and devalued by boys and then, adding insult to injury, rejected entirely by their peers. They were disappointed, let down and left alone to fall.

They didn't even make it to 20 years old. How devastating is that?

And yet, while the whole world watches and mourns and wonders how we ended up here, there are people who will be callous and mean spirited enough to suggest the girls were somehow at fault. For every 10 mourners on Amanda Todd's Facebook memorial page, there was at least one person saying she had it coming. Whether or not it was just someone "trolling" doesn't matter - what does matter is that we've somehow ended up in a place where someone can even THINK that would be an appropriate response. 

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32 

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How did we end up in a place where we've forgotten one of the most basic instructions we've been given: to be kind of one another? What do we need to do to revive compassion and love and caring in a world where those things are in short supply and desperately needed? 

I wish I had an answer to that one but I don't.
So I keep reading, keep informing myself about what's happening in the world around me.

I keep looking for little ways to show tenderness, whether it's giving my time to a friend in need, giving the last of my pay cheque to charity or giving a home to a helpless feline who wouldn't survive in the wild (I love Lyla, but she's kind of dumb).
I keep looking for ways to be a better example and walk my talk. 
And I keep praying.

all in/letting go

For I, the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

Isaiah 41:13

March was a difficult month for me this year.
I'm not exactly sure when everything started going off the rails. The month started off great - I was feeling good about myself, my finances were in order, plans had been made for some exciting changes in the future and I was feeling a closeness with God I hadn't experienced...well, ever, if I'm being honest. He had brought me through the cold and the darkness of post-holiday winter without a scratch. The snow was melting and the sunlight was sticking around a little longer and everything was coming up Tara. Nothing was going to bring me down.
Maybe it was that cockiness, that belief that I was in control and doing a really solid job of managing everything that caused me to deflate. I can't say for sure - what I do know is that by the end of the month, I felt defeated. My shoulders ached - a physical manifestation of the metaphorical weight I was carrying - and I found myself crying on my yoga mat during savasana (embarrassing!). I didn't know why things were happening the way they were and even though I knew the problems I was dealing with were, for the most part, not really all that great in the grand scheme of things, I just wanted everything to stop.
And I wanted to make things stop on my own. That was my stupid mistake.
Because what did my efforts get me? A sympathetic ear now and then, but that's about it. If anything, constant venting only made my "problems" seem worse. Combined with my efforts to "fix" the broken things in my life, I felt overwhelmed, sad, miserable, angry and ready to come undone. Entirely.
So I did the only thing I could do: I let those things go. I gave all the hurt and sadness and stress to God, trusting he would know what to do.

This is a giant leap of faith/trusting and trying to embrace/the fear of the unknown/beyond my comfort zone/I'm letting go.

Kind of like that.

Things still aren't perfect - they never will be - but I can say I feel better. I don't think the burdens are necessarily any lighter but I certainly feel more equipped to manage things when I know I'm not doing it alone.