On Wednesday, I slept in until 11, had lunch with a friend, took in an afternoon movie, and went to the gym for the first time in weeks.
After the gym, I went to Starbucks with Jeff and got a frappuccino. We picked up a pizza at Sobeys and ate it while watching Grey's Anatomy on the couch. I ended the night in the bathtub, reading a book.
I didn't go to the office. I didn't spend the night editing copy or writing social media posts. Apart from an Instagram post and a couple tweets, I barely wrote a word.
It was awesome.
Tuesday was a little more challenging.
Tuesday marked my last day as a staff reporter at The Daily Gleaner. I still find it wild to think about, honestly.
I started at the newspaper as a summer intern in May 2011, two weeks before I graduated from university. Although I worked for the campus paper while I was in school and had some freelance experience working for weeklies at home, the first day of my internship marked my first day working in the world of daily news.
My first day was May 9. I remember that because it was the night of the municipal election. Elections are nuts in a newsroom and I spent most of the night updating results, working in a Word document because IT hadn't set me up in the system yet.
The next day, it was head first into the pace of daily reporting.
I've kept that pace ever since. At the end of my summer internship, I signed a one year contract. Days before that contract expired, I was offered a full-time job.
Over the next few years, I had the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people, go to many cool events, and experience things I simply wouldn't have had the chance to experience otherwise. I won a couple awards and I learned a LOT from some really incredible mentors I was blessed to call both colleagues and friends.
That said, a lot has changed since my internship in 2011, in the news industry, but also in my personal life. I'm turning 27 tomorrow. I've traded in the university party scene for volunteering in kids ministry at my church. I came back from a life-changing trip to Africa 59 days ago. I'm getting married in 43 days.
In that context, it doesn't seem so strange that I found myself craving a change in my professional life.
Next Tuesday, I'll start my new job in government communications. The joke, of course, is that I have gone over the dark side, but honestly, this is the lightest I've felt in months.
I'll miss the things that have become familiar over the last 5.5 years - Steve recording both his busy and his no-answer greeting daily, hanging out at the wall at Brookee's desk, coffee walks with Bill - but I'm excited to develop new routines, new familiar things.
Change is good, friends. I don't think it will necessarily be easy, but I do believe that and I'm excited about it.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
I've completed a lot of tasks since returning from Kenya last month.
I've unpacked my bags, scrubbed the dirt from my trail shoes, and did several (incredibly necessary) loads of laundry.
I've picked jewelry to join my engagement ring, cross necklace and FitBit in the "daily wear" pile and I've tucked my passport away safely in the cupboard, with my old boarding passes and expired travel visa sticking out the sides.
I've gone back to work. I've started going back to the gym. I've turned my focus to wedding planning. I'm changed - wilderness inevitably has that effect - but I'm adjusting.
There's one thing I still have to do, though - something I think about often, but put off because...well, it's daunting.
I have to sort through my photos.
All 1,485 of them.
The Great Rift Valley, on the way from Nairobi to Kipsongol
One of the things I knew I wanted before leaving for Kenya was a new camera. My Fuji called it quits a couple years ago (after about six years of consistent use) and while I debated a couple other models over the year, I found myself relying increasingly on my iPhone. I'm not a professional and I've generally had access to better cameras for work, so I didn't have as much of a need to have gear of my own.
I knew an iPhone wasn't going to cut it for this trip, though.
Jenna's epic heel click
They say a photo is worth a thousand words. It's totally cliche, but I've found it's not really all that far from the truth. When I look through the 1,485 photos I took during my trip, it's not just the moment captured in the frame that comes to mind. It's the memories of what happened before and what happened after.
Walking hand-in-hand with village children on the way to the build site. Digging up dirt and clay in the mid-day sun. Open air showers when we returned to camp.
The way the lorry struggled over the rocks every time we turned left at the end of the road leaving camp. The way the wind felt during those drives.
Sitting on the "deck" at Mike's tent at the end of the night, listening to the kids laugh and scream while playing spoons in the mess tent.
And that's just the start.
Phillip, our Maasai guide, playing cheat in the mess tent with the kids
So, if a picture is worth a thousand words, I've got about 1,485,000 words worth of story to sort through. I anticipate that will change - some of the photos are duplicates, some aren't going to be the quality I want. I think that's what makes it daunting. To go through that process is to sort through all those memories, to remember and revisit all the feelings and emotions associated with that time, and make decisions about which of those 1,485 photos come the closest to telling the stories that I can't find the words to relate.
Sunrise, safari morning
So, for those who have been waiting to see photos...I promise I'm working on it. The longer I'm home, the easier it becomes to reflect on the experience and share stories with others. My thoughts are more organized and I'm less tongue-tied. It's getting easier. But it's a work in progress.
And let's face it: 1,485 photos is a freaking lot of photos!
I didn't forget about this space, though (even though it probably seems like I have).
The last couple months have been...full.
Oleleshwa at sunset
Ten days. Sixteen travellers (11 kids, five adults)
Fifty-two hours in transit to and from destination.
Three airports. Two six-hour bus rides.
Four build days. One six kilometre walk to fetch water.
Five lorry break-downs. 500 shillings to buy enough food for seven people.
About a dozen cups of chai hot chocolate (seriously recommended).
More donkeys and goats than I could ever begin to count.
+ a sense of community unlike any I had ever experienced before.
I have been home for 16 days. During those 16 days, I have been asked the question "how was Kenya?" so many times I've lost count.
The answer is always some variation of the same thing:
"It was great!" or "It was awesome!" or "It was wonderful!"
And all of these things are true. But none of them come close to doing a justice to the experience.
Of flying into Nairobi at night and seeing all the lights from the plane
Of eating some the most incredible fruit
Of leaving camp and having children running toward you so they can hold your hand on the walk to the build site (aka their school)
Of seeing the before and after - the old school, in its desperate state, next to the new builds
Of not speaking the same language, but still finding lots of ways to connect
Of waving and smiling at everyone you see because they're waving and smiling at you
Of that night when the sky was so clear it was like being in a planetarium
Of sitting around a camp fire while your Maasai guide shares about his culture
Of being blown away as you listen to seven high school girls talk about what the opportunity to pursue education means for them
Of sitting in a classroom in the dark while children take turns reading to you in English and Swahili
Of creating a community with a group of people you probably wouldn't otherwise have the chance to meet or interact with
Of feeling like you're part of something, everywhere you go
"You are highly welcomed in Kenya."
This phrase was repeated often during our time in Kipsongol, although none of us needed the repetition to know it to be true. We were taken in immediately by the community, embraced without hesitation. And it had nothing to do with us - it's just the way things are. There is a deep current of love that runs through rural Kenya that manifests in acts of care.
People look out for one another. And for someone whose love language is acts of service, seeing that in action affected me on a deep level.
The crew, after a six kilometre roundtrip with Mama Katherine, Mama Norma and Mama Carolyn to fetch water. The water we carried was enough to last four days.
The first 16 days home have passed quickly, filled with work and appointments and wedding planning and more work. I have had the chance to meet with some people and tell them about my trip, but I am very much still processing the experience - and more specifically, grappling with the question of whether or not its possible to create that same sense of community here at home - and if so, how to go about doing it.
Dear friends, since God loved us, we also ought to love one another
night shifts. youth group. a televised debate. rally in the valley. municipal elections. an overdue car appointment. an even more overdue hair appointment. a job interview. two graduations. Sunday school. pre-martial counselling. international travel preparation. not nearly enough sleep for any of it.
Taking that photo and seeing just how much happened in May kind of made me want to vomit. I've never been so excited to turn a calendar over to a new month.
In many ways, May was a blur. That said, there are a few things worth noting:
I made my television debut
Steve, our city hall reporter, and I at the debate. He was a panelist, I was the moderator.
We clearly took our roles very seriously.
When I was in j-school, I always said I have the face and voice for print. During my third year, I rooted myself solidly in print, chose radio as my secondary subject, and avoided television completely. I liked working behind the scenes - writing scripts, producing, filming, editing - but the whole idea of being on camera? No thank you.
So when I was asked at work to participate in a televised mayoral debate in the lead up to the municipal election, I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but I said yes anyway.
And to my surprise, it was actually kind of fun? I served as the moderator for the evening, tasked with keeping the show moving along. The team running the show was amazing and I'm happy to report my greatest nightmare of screwing up big time on a broadcast did not come true. I've had a lot of great feedback since it aired (which I hope is sincere and not just friends being nice!) and while I don't think I'm going to be running to make the switch to broadcast, I'd definitely do it again with the same team.
I chaperoned my first overnight, out-of-town trip (and conquered some fears in the process)
Those who know me, know there are two things I'm not so into as a driver: driving long distances and driving in unfamiliar places. I did both those things in May when my church youth group packed up and headed out of town for Rally in the Valley.
The trip was an interesting experience. Although I have been working with kids/youth pretty consistently for the last few years, I still find it bizarre that I am at a point in my life where I'm not only able but completely capable of chaperoning children. I joked upon return that the trip really gave me a taste of what being a parent to pre-teens/teens must be like; I did everything from helping manage medications, to driving kids to and from venues, to being woken up at way-too-early-o'clock by children wanting to go to the pool. Capped off the weekend with my favourite "parent moment": driving home in the pitch black on the highway with a child in my passenger seat, vomiting into a garbage bag. Delightful, right?
Still, overall, it was a success. The kids had a great time and so did I (although I learned going to an event as a chaperon is a very different experience than going as a participant). It was also a great rehearsal of sorts for my trip to Kenya next month.
Jeff graduated!
Took a little longer than some others, but now Jeff can officially add university graduate to his list of accomplishments. As an education reporter, I've sat through A LOT of graduations, but this one was definitely my favourite. Jeff worked so hard to finish his degree and I couldn't be more proud.
I also got to see Jeff's brother, Josh, receive his degree about a week later. Also exciting! May was a big month of celebrating some really wonderful education accomplishments.
Although many of the big details about our October wedding have been planned for a while - the venue, who will be in the wedding party, the catering, etc. - May was really about getting some of the finer details moving forward.
Our wedding bands arrived (and they are SO, SO beautiful! I can't wait to wear mine!), we made an appointment to design our wedding invitations, and an appointment for a dress fitting. We've also been working through the book we picked as part of our pre-martial counselling, had our second session, and made a plan to get the rest of them finished before the pastor who is doing our ceremony moves to Nova Scotia.
Wedding planning has been strange in some ways. I often feel like we haven't really done a lot, but I made a list the other day and we have a lot more under control than I thought. It's so hard to believe how quickly it's coming up!
•••
Although I am anticipating June will be calmer than May (or at least I really hope it will be) I do have some things on the go. I have a few things to do to prepare for my trip to Kenya next month (one last vaccine/prescriptions to fill, a VISA to apply for, packing), some wedding-related work (counselling. above mentioned invitation/dress fitting appointments), a couple medical appointments and a whole slew of night shifts. That said, I want June to be a more...restful month, which I figure, all things considered, is an achievable goal. In the spirit of welcoming the new month...
Current month: June
Current book(s):Keeping the Moon by Sarah Dessen. I read this book at least once every summer, usually at the beginning. It's not my favourite Sarah Dessen book (that honour goes to Someone Like You) but for some reason, when I think about summer, this is the book that comes to mind.
Current music:
on repeat.
Current show: Nashville (which was just cancelled. SOB!) and the second season of Bloodline on Netflix. What can I say? Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler are my favourites.
Current workout: Ugh, May was a bust on the exercise front. My schedule was all over the place, I worked a lot of weird hours, and this definitely fell by the wayside. That said, I am hoping the nice weather sticks around so I can get some walking in in June. I've been doing that a lot more lately. I think my body has appreciated the break from more intense exercise.
Current link: Included it earlier, but if you're looking for some really fantastic, handmade, wooden jewelry, you should seriously check out Bentwood Jewelry Designs! They were a dream to work with and I am so in love with our wedding bands.
Current bible study: I spent a lot of time in May reading and re-reading Ecclesiastes. Not sure what I want to read for June. Took a bit of a break from structured plans last month, focusing instead on just...enjoying scripture, if that makes sense? Will likely continue that this month.
Current triumphs: I actually managed to lose about 10 pounds in May? Not by doing anything sketchy, but by just...eating better. And drinking more water, honestly. Amazing how big a difference those two things can make. I'm hoping to keep that going in June.
Current frustration: Waiting.
Current prayer request: Relevant to the last point, for patience during the waiting, for opportunities, and for wisdom to see those opportunities when they arise.
Current excitement: I LEAVE FOR KENYA IN, LIKE, 30 DAYS!
Sunshine. Fresh air. Environment Canada forecasts without negative numbers.
Spring is here.
Finally.
It's strange.
Based on the forecast, this winter was awesome.
Less snow. Mild-ish temperatures.
Significantly fewer brutal ice storms.
Weather-wise, it's almost as if we didn't have winter at all.
I only used one snow brush and didn't break a single scraper.
But oh man, was it ever winter in my heart this year.
I know.
Laaaaame.
But it's accurate.
To say the last, I don't know, six months or so have been tough would be the understatement of all understatements.
The last six months gutted me. Totally. And in the spirit of keeping it real (something I try very hard to do here), I still feel it some days.
But it's getting better. Spring is here.
And much like my apartment needs a good spring cleaning (step one: finish reading that Marie Kondo book), my soul is in dire need of decluttering.
And much like the central thesis of the KonMari method hinges on the idea that, unless you truly love an item, it doesn't belong in your home, it's due time for me to apply the same discipline to my soul.
So here we go.
An incomplete list of things/practices to purge from my life
fast food
dairy products*
beauty products that are tested on animals*
the new Weight Watchers plan
stressing about every. single. little. thing.
thinking about work when I'm not at work
thinking too much about work when I am at work
using a credit card
empty platitudes
buying poor quality clothing
gossip
gossiping
obsessively checking social media
binge watching television
not reading my Bible every day, mostly due to binge watching and obsessive social media usage
going to bed at 2 a.m. on the regular
the snooze button
not drinking enough water
not walking enough
the word "tired" as a response to "how are you?"
negative people
people with bad attitudes
believing the things negative people with bad attitudes say about/to me
internalizing the things negative people with bad attitudes say about/to me
worrying about money
worrying about jobs
worrying about the future
worrying in general
worrying in specific
over-committing
under-committing
not taking a lunch break at work**
* a work in progress
** completion of this list marks a first step in the direction of achieving this final item
*** I've missed this place. Hey there. Hi there. How are you?
After a week I can only describe as truly awful, I sat down at Starbucks with my computer, angry rap music blasting through my headphones, and unleashed a whole big bunch of ~*feelings*~ I've been keeping, for the most part, to myself.
It wasn't what I was planning to write, but once I started, it just poured out. It was painful, but after weeks of struggling with crippling anxiety over writing, it was nice to have something come naturally for a change.
I read it over. Once. Twice. After the third time, I hit save and closed my browser, leaving it in draft.
It's still there. And that's where it's going to say because I'm not going to post it.
There are many reasons for that but the biggest one is simple: I've already given the situation way to much power over me. Bringing it into this space would only make that worse.
Not only am I twenty-six years old and too old for the kind of petty crap that's been going on lately, but dwelling on it the way I have been is totally at odds with what I know is true.
That three days later, Christ rose from the grave and conquered death.
And that even when things seem like they're spinning out of control, He is still on the throne.
Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
1 Peter 2:16-17
Now this is not to say everything is suddenly sunshine and rainbows in my life. I'm going to be honest with you: the last couple months have been really, really hard. After years of living with what turned out to be an undiagnosed thyroid condition, I'm used to feeling weary, but I'm not used to the kind of soul sickness I've been feeling for the last couple months. I'm trying to find a healthy way to cope with it but that's still work in progress. What I can say is I am very, very lucky to have some incredible people in my life who have been very patient with me as I work through the situation. My fiancee and my best friend deserve special mention here - it's cheesy and lame but you guys have totally been my rocks. I'd be more of a basketcase than I already am if it weren't for you two. Thank you. Seriously.
And there you have it. The elephant in the room has been addressed. Things are kind of messy right now, but that's OK. In the midst of all the turmoil, I'm choosing instead to focus on what I know is true and unchanging.
I couldn't be more excited to have been nominated for the Liebster Award by the absolutely delightful Hannah over at to Share, Care & Love! Hannah is a total gem - her Instagram is lovely and her blog is a beautiful mix of some of my favourite things - a glimpse into daily life with a whole lot of encouragement and truth from God's word! Check her out!
The Liebster Award is kind of like a chain letter...only unlike those annoying ones that tried to convince you you'd either come into a large sum of money or, alternatively, die in the next 24 hours if you don't pass it on, the Liebster Award is simply meant to help bloggers gain some exposure. Want to learn more? Details can be found here.
OFFICIAL RULES
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award and you choose to accept it, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:
Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog
Display the award on your blog - by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a widget or a gadget (best way to do so = save image on your computer and upload it to your blog post)
Answer 11 questions about yourself, provided to you by the person who nominated you
Provide 11 random facts about yourself
Nominate 5-11 blogs you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1,000 followers (you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information)
Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer
List these rules in your post
Once you have written and published, inform the people/blogs you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they may not have heard about it!)
Here's what Hannah asked me (along with my answers)
How long have you been blogging?
At this blog specifically, about two (very sporadic) years. Taking the longer view, though, I've been keeping some sort of a blog on and off since I was about 12 years old. Started with LiveJournal in high school (is that still a thing?), migrated over to WordPress in university (we had to create a professional page in j-school) and now, I'm here.
Are you a coffee drinker? If so, how do you like it?
After many years of trying to get on the coffee train, I can finally say I'm on the coffee train. However, I only drink iced coffee. And only a little bit at a time. Typically, I cold brew in a French press then either have some in a smoothie or with ice and reduced sugar French vanilla creamer. I also like Starbucks caramel iced coffee and the odd iced caramel macchiato.
Do you have a blog schedule or are you a sporadic poster?
I'm a sporadic poster working toward becoming a person who schedules. I've been using Kyla Roma's editorial calendar to help with the planning process lately - it's amazing and has totally changed the way I approach blogging.
What's your favourite food?
Eggs, hands down. Eggs are the reason I could never be vegan.
Where's your favourite spot to blog?
I'm guessing this means to write posts? Starbucks. I do most of my writing at Starbucks. I find it much less distracting than home (plus the internet is kind of spotty, which is great for productivity).
Is blogging a part-time or full-time thing for you?
Definitely a part-time thing. I didn't start blogging with the mindset of it becoming a full-time gig, though; it was (and is) meant to be a creative outlet for me.
Are you a cat lover, dog lover, or both?
CATS CATS CATS
(OK, technically both)
What are some blog goals you have?
One of the big ones right now is to become more disciplined in terms of developing content. In other words, I want to move away from being a blogger who writes a new post once every two months. I also want to work toward finding a balance between writing serious and fun posts (I've definitely leaned heavier on the serious lately). Finally, I want to be more social and connect more with other bloggers!
Besides writing, what's your favourite thing to do?
That's tough - I like to do a lot of things! Travel. Read. Exercise. Yoga. Cook/bake. Dye my hair crazy colours. Take really long baths. I have a lot of interests.
Do you advertise your blog on social media? If so, which platforms?
Sure do. Typically, I'll share on Facebook once, tweet a couple times and share on Instagram. I usually only post about my blog when I have new content to share.
Who is the most inspirational/influential person in your life?
Not a specific person, but I'm inspired by people who live authentic lives. Which I know sounds really pretentious, but I don't mean for it to. Truth: there are few things I find more frustrating than fake people. I love and admire people who stay true to who they are.
+ 11 random facts about me
1. I have four tattoos - a music note on my left shoulder, a Hedley lyric on my right shoulder blade, a bible verse (ish) on my left forearm and half a line from a book on my right ankle (my best friend has the other half). I want more.
2. I've been in a long-distance best-friendship for like, 10 years.
3. I've seen the Jonas Brothers live three times. Each time, I was over the age of 16. Last time was during their last tour before they broke up. Judge away! I don't care. They were awesome.
4. I have an entire cupboard just for tea. The tea is sorted into bins based on type. I keep telling myself I don't need more, but then a new one comes out and I can't help myself. It's a sickness.
5. My other indulgence: Sephora. Last year, I was VIB Rouge...yeah. It's bad.
6. I used to be super indifferent about reading, which is crazy to think about now. I think it had more to do with being forced to read books I just didn't care about in high school.
7. My engagement ring is a morganite, not a diamond. It's exactly what I wanted. I've never wanted a diamond.
8. I generally wear the same items of jewelry every day: my engagement ring, my cross necklace and my FitBit. Sometimes I wear my little ring and my opal studs, too. Occasionally, I'll wear my grad ring and some kind of rafiki chain.
9. My Giving Key used to be part of that rotation, but I finally gave it away recently! Which means I'll likely order a new one soon. Time for a new word anyway.
10. Tweeted about this already, but it merits another mention: I FINALLY get why people like Mindy Kaling so much. I was pretty meh about her, but I read one of her books as part of my book club and then started watching The Mindy Project. I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed both. I cannot for the life of me understand why that show was cancelled.
11. I'm about $350 away from paying off my trip to Kenya. I leave in 108 days. Whoa...
That's a wrap on my answers! Now, for nominees. Tagging... Lindsay, who has been blogging about the road to publication
Joanne, who needs to START WRITING AGAIN (hint, hint) Bella, who has a really lovely blog with lots of wonderful things going on Julia, who is such a constant source of encouragement (and who writes really beautiful poetry!)
+ anyone else who wants to do it (I need to read some more, newer blogs. Suggestions? I'm open to them!)
& here are my questions for my nominees (some old, some new)
Why did you start blogging?
What's your favourite post you've written?
Coffee, tea, or both (or neither!)?
What's your dream job?
What goals do you have for your blog this year?
What do your family and friends say about your blog?
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trial of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4
All.
That small, three letter word is the thing that makes this verse so difficult for me. Because let's be honest: joy comes easy in some things, but in others? It's really freaking hard.
It's hard to count it all joy in times of discouragement. In times of uncertainty. In times of waiting - oh man, as a person who is impatient for the future, this one is probably the worst for me.
It's hard to count it all joy when it feels like life is just punching you in the soul over and over again.
This is a space I've been living in lately, particularly in relation to one area of my life. This intense season of discouragement has surprise me in many ways but the biggest shock, by far, has been the way I've reacted to it. I'd love to be able to tell you the reaction has been in the spirit of the verse cited above but that hasn't been the case. This discouragement has left me feeling sullen at best, guilty at worst.
Guilty, because when I'm struggling with joy, I'm actually struggling with trusting God.
That's a hard thing to admit, but truth's like that sometimes.
So, what's a girl to do?
One of the things I love best about God is that he doesn't play hard to get. He wants to have a relationship with us and supplies us with all the means to do so. In this case, I know the answer lies in going back to the basics: time in prayer and the word, stripping away the distractions and focusing on what I know is true instead of what I'm feeling in the moment.
And in the interim, I've found the easiest way to remember the call to joy in all things is to remember the things in life that bring me joy.
a good book
a relaxing bath
dance classes
yoga
Starbucks drinks
singing loudly in the car
and in church
and in my living room
and just generally, I guess
telling a good story
volunteering for a cause I believe in
talking to my best friend
loving my forever boyfriend well
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
One of the most surprising things I've learned about myself as an adult is this: I am not an extrovert.
That probably sounds ridiculous - like, how could a person misunderstand such a BASIC element of his/her personality? - but it's true. Growing up, calling myself an extrovert made sense to me; I was involved in drama club, a hardcore NSSSAer (for those not from Nova Scotia: student leadership organization that puts on big conferences across the province every year. Conferences basically involve a lot of working in groups to develop skills, special speakers and a lot of cheering/dancing), and a regular soloist in my church choir.
Friendly, outgoing, talkative...those were all words I felt described me well, and that seemed consistent with the idea of being an extrovert so logic would suggest I must be an extrovert, right?
That's what I thought. And while I wouldn't say the label had a big - or any - kind of conscious impact on my life, for many years, I tried to live like the extrovert I thought I was. In high school, I had a club or committee meeting at lunch just about every day. I spoke up in class and never had to worry about participation marks. I was always around people - whether it was at work, where I got paid to ring in groceries and talk to strangers, at church, or out with friends. Even when I was alone, I wasn't really - if I was on my computer, I was talking to friends on messenger and, when I finally got a cell phone, I was texting.
My schedule was packed and I was exhausted.
All. The. Time. Physically, but also mentally and emotionally.
I've since learned the physical exhaustion probably had more to do with an undiagnosed thyroid condition. I'm on medication for it, and I'm hoping it's going to make a difference. But the physical side of it was far less of an issue than the mental and emotional. The reality: as much as I loved people, I found being around them too long and/or too often left me feeling burned out.
Extraversion (E)
I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I'm excited when I'm around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.
While some of those ideas apply to me, it's that first sentence that is key. Fact is large groups and busy social calendars don't leave me feeling energized. It's actually quite the opposite.
Introversion (I)
I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I'll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.
That last sentence sums up the tension for me: I like the idea of being an extrovert better than I like actually living that life.
Now, don't get me wrong: I love my friends/family/loved ones. I love getting to know people, learning more about them, and (when applicable) helping them tell their stories. I love adventure and going out and trying new things.
But I also need time to be alone. To relax and reflect. To process things and think them through. To feel like myself and allow me to function properly.
Why am I writing about this?
Mostly because because I have not found a way to achieve any meaningful balance in this area of my life. I'm either goinggoinggoing all the time, or I'm at home on my couch, binge-watching Scandal in my pyjamas, eating chips. I'm on my phone all the time, or I'm checking messages sporadically. I'm meal planning, getting enough exercise, and sleeping well each night, or I'm eating fast food, skipping my workouts, and getting seven hours of shut-eye, and that's on a good night.
It's one extreme to another. Neither works. I'm either pouring myself out to others at the expense of the quiet time and space I need, or I'm being fiercely protective of that time alone at the expense of my relationships with others.
I'm not an extrovert. But, the more I think about it, I'm not an introvert, either.
The Advocate
Code: INFJ-T
Role: Diplomat
Strategy: Constant improvement
INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.
INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance...they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.
To INFJs, the world is a place full of inequality - but it doesn't have to be.
Reality though, it is most important for INFJs to remember to take care of themselves. The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed.
Strengths: creative, insightful, inspiring and convincing, decisive, determined and passionate, altruistic Weaknesses: sensitive, extremely private, perfectionist, always need to have a cause, can burn out easily.
This is me. Some traits more than others, but for the most part, that description provides a pretty clear idea of what I'm about.
I care deeply about people.
I like helping others, even if there's nothing in it for me.
I don't think things are as they should be
+ I refuse to believe there's nothing I can do about it.
Lately, I have been living in a strange space. I've come to some huge realizations and made some big decisions in recent months that will play a big role in shaping the future. And while I mostly feel relieved, I also feel a little impatient. Expectant. Like I'm in a place where I'm waiting for something to happen.
I mentioned this to my dear friend, Laura, the other night. True to the more introverted side of my INFJ personality, I have a handful of really close friends and despite only knowing Laura for a couple of years, she's part of my inner circle - one of the people who I tell everything to, who I can honestly say knows me well.
Laura is a tremendous woman of God with a huge heart for encouraging and loving others well. She's also very pregnant, so she knows a thing or two about the whole waiting for something to happen thing. Naturally, after I stumbled through my explanation of how I've been feeling, she had the perfect word for me.
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Sometimes His plans, no matter what they are in our lives, need to have these waiting periods to perfect and grow to the healthy spot they need to be before they're revealed to us."
I don't know what the next step is going to look like in my life. Nor do I know how long it's going to take for that next step to be clear.
What I do know is this: as anxious as I am for the future to be revealed to me now, God's timing will always be better than mine. Which means my job is simple: to be patient, always remembering he is more faithful than I could begin to imagine.
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will, he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.
An incomplete account of important things I have learned during the first 44 days of 2016
coffee actually is an acquired taste
I will always enjoy a young adult novel more than an "adult" novel
I like adult novels, too, though
the new Weight Watchers program is terrible and restrictive
losing weight is hard
LifeProof cases are not as life-proof as they claim to be
cats are the best
finding time to meet with wedding vendors during the work week is no simple task
planning a wedding becomes a lot less annoying when you finally accept that it's YOUR WEDDING and you can do what YOU want (including opting for an unconventional meal at your reception)
Sh'Bam, like coffee, is also an acquired taste. It's worth trying a second or third or 15th time. When life is tough, dance it out
it's OK to not go to every social event. It's OK to need time alone.
volunteering in kids ministry is good for the soul
the new Justin Bieber album is excellent. I'd call it my guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty about it #hatersgonnahate
an under-performing thyroid really messes with your body
sometimes they best way to prepare for a job interview is to go see a movie the night before
because no matter how hard you prepare, you're still going to be sweating bullets when you go to said interview
pick a dark coloured blazer for a job interview (see previous point on sweating)
happiness is more important than security when it comes to work
seeking after God's will is more important than both the aforementioned items. Even if it means doing things that some people won't understand. Like going back to school (hopefully next year. BSW, online through Dal)
and giving up complaining and stressing about an area of my life I have no control over for lent = challenging but necessary and SO refreshing
The overarching lesson - an epiphany, of sorts
I want whatever I do next in this life to be more about helping others than building up my image or reputation. I don't know what that's going to look like, but God does. And even though 2016 has been off to a strange start, I know he is faithful to the end.
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change
An awesome vacation with my best friend, featuring Kelly Clarkson and also knights.
The summer wedding tour, including one 11 years in the making.
Winning a car (but taking cash)!
Using some of said cash to settle some debts, including paying off my braces, some car debt, some personal debt.
Putting the rest into an account to pay for our wedding in October!
A donated wedding dress.
The most perfect weather day for engagement photos.
SAINT ANYTHING!
Dancing, a lot.
Swimming at the lake on my birthday (in SEPTEMBER)!
Reconnecting with my brother.
Volunteering, and remember why I love kids ministry.
Trying new things, like drinking iced coffee and an at-home workout program.
Finally having a DavidsTea in Fredericton!
Bubble baths.
Nacho nights.
A less-than-24-hour trip to Halifax, featuring lots of shopping and a really glittery metal concert.
Lots of glitter. And red lipstick.
Brightly coloured hair.
Christmas choir!
Meeting new people.
Making new friends.
Answered prayers.
New direction.
Learning more about God's character.
It was a good year.
2016 is shaping up to be pretty awesome, too.
A few noteworthy dates
Engaged one year on Jan. 11
Five years together as of Feb. 15
My brother's expected release date is in March.
Hedley in Moncton with some lovely friends on April 11.
July 4 (ish), the anticipated departure for 10-day trip to Kenya
+ of course, Oct. 15: our wedding.
Exciting, for sure, but not the only things I'm looking forward to.
In an effort to get out of the "I'll do it next week" mindset, I thought about what one could see as my "resolutions" for 2016 before Christmas and, instead of waiting for Jan. 1 to roll around, started working on them right away. They're not so much goals as better habits to get into: eat better and drink more water, exercise regularly, steward my finances better, give more (time + money), find a better balance between work/social time/me time, invest in my relationships (with friends and with my future husband), etc.
I set one goal: to keep growing in my faith.
To spend more time in the Word.
To have a more abundant prayer life.
To become more aware of God's presence.
To trust him more.
+ to just...seek God's best in all areas of my life.
A dear friend offered these words from scripture earlier this week. I think they appropriately sum up my main goal for 2016:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
