The story of the Subaru (alt. title: answered prayers)

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithall shall we be clothed?(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

Matthew 6:31-32

When I was still an intern at the paper, I thought my quality of life would change dramatically and automatically if I ever made the shift to full-time staff member.

My job would be secure, so no more living contract to contract, wondering how much longer my term would be extended. I'd have health benefits and I'd finally be able to take advantage of the employee wellness bank which would cover some of the costs associated with things like the memberships at my gym and yoga studio.

More than anything, life would improve because I'd be making more money. I wouldn't have weeks where I'd have to choose between paying the power bill and buying food. I would finally be able to rebuild my saving account, which had basically been destroyed when I moved into my first solo apartment. I wouldn't have to deal with the frustrations of the city's awful bus schedule because I'd finally be able to buy a car. 

Don't be deceived: while it looks like there are a decent amount of buses in this picture, if you aren't taking the campus route or if you live on the city's northside, you're in for a long wait if you're not traveling at peak hours.  (Photo: City of Fredericton website)

It's been almost a year since I was hired full-time and while I'd be lying if I said my life hadn't been improved by the shift, the change hasn't been nearly as pronounced as I thought it would be from a financial perspective. Managing bills is a little easier, but there are more of them. My saving account isn't anywhere near the level it used to sit at and for the first eight months, I was no where closer to having a car than I was when I was interning. 

That's not to say I didn't think about buying a car. I thought about it a lot - I did research, figured out what make and model I'd want, what sort of special benefits I'd be eligible for as a first time car buyer and what I could realistically afford to spend. I read up on how to haggle with a car salesman, when the best time to buy is (end of the month) and what sort of things to do to ensure you get the best price (don't mention any trade ins or additional benefits you might be eligible for until you've settled on a price, don't talk about the cost of the vehicle in terms of monthly payments, etc.)

I figured I would get a Toyota Corolla or a Mazda3 - affordable cars that score well in their class and seem to fit the needs of a young, working professional with no children. I wanted to buy new, too, with the logic that I don't know enough about cars to feel comfortable making a purchase in a private sale and a car purchased at a dealer would come with some warranty. Shelling out a few hundred dollars a month for a new car would be worth it for the peace of mind, right?

The logic was sound, but it didn't take me long to realize it simply couldn't happen - it would make my budget far too tight. Not only would I be throwing down big money on something that was only going to depreciate in value the longer I owned it, the cost of insuring a new car was going to be crazy for me (it would be my first time being insured, I'm not 25 yet and I've only had my license three years) and I wouldn't be able to pay for the cost of upkeep on top of those things. 

It was a hard realization to come to - I was tired of having to pay $7 to take a two minute cab trip from the grocery store to my apartment because I couldn't carry everything on my own and I was tired of walking to work in the winter when the temperature dropped to -20 C and the sidewalks were coated in snow and ice because they hadn't been cleared yet. But I knew buying a car wouldn't have been a responsible decision so I resolved myself to the fact that the time wasn't right.

I hate to admit it but it didn't occur to me to bring the matter to God at first. In fact, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until I was having some Jesus time one night and found myself reading Matthew 14:13-21

For those unfamiliar with the passage or in need of a refresher, this is where Jesus feeds 5,000 with five loaves of bread and two fish. When I say he fed them, I don't mean diet portions, either - the scripture said they ate until they were all satisfied and there were even leftovers.

For the longest time, I had simply looked at this passage as a miracle passage - it's a pretty amazing story, the term miraculous is totally fitting of the scenario - but when I read it that night, I realized it's not just that: it's Jesus meeting the needs of the people who were following him. I hadn't really thought of it like that before. It's Jesus taking a situation that seems impossible and finding a way to make it work.

And I started to think - if Jesus could make a meal for all those people with so few materials to work with, surely he could find a way to make a car fit within my means if he felt like it was something I needed.

So I started to pray for a vehicle, bringing my request to God and letting myself believe for the first time that if it was something I really needed, He would find a way. I stopped stressing about it. I stopped thinking and worrying about it and just left it to God.

And wouldn't you know it, less than a month later, I've added a a car key to my lanyard.  The car isn't new by any stretch of the imagination: it's a 2002 Subaru, with more than 250,000 kilometres, but it still runs strong. I bought it from my aunt, who recently purchased a new jeep, and it feels like things have really come full circle, since it's the car I drove when I was learning how to drive. It's not the fanciest car in the world, but it's functional, OK on gas (it cost us $60 to drive it back from Halifax) and it does everything I need it to do. Plus it was a lot cheaper than what I expected to pay. I'm pretty pleased with the purchase.

But more than that, I'm feeling grateful for the way God meets needs, for the way He answers prayer. Because that's exactly what this was - an answer to prayer. A blessing.

(For now, anyway. We'll see if I'm still saying that in the fall when it's time to do work on the brakes.)

that funky Jesus music

TobyMac. Moncton Wesleyan, May 1, 2013

Truth: I started this post early Wednesday morning, hours before going to see TobyMac at the Wesleyan in Moncton.

My plan was to finish it after the show - to upload some photos, write a bit about the show and throw down some additional thoughts about the importance of music when it comes to worship. Within a half hour of being home, I'd gone through the photos I took, picked the ones that were decent (none of them were fantastic. My camera is on its last legs these days) and uploaded them to Facebook.

But when I opened this post, I found myself unsure what to say. When friends asked, I used words like 'amazing' and 'awesome' to describe the show and while they are accurate, they didn't really get at the emotions that night triggered for me.

Yeah, I screamed and danced and partied like everyone else in the church that night (seriously. I don't think I've ever been to a show where people were that stoked to be there. Please note I say this as someone who saw the Jonas Brothers twice at the height of their fame. Don't judge) but there were also several moments during the show where I was on the verge of tears.

When I started making my way back to God last summer, one of the first things that changed was my media consumption. Looking back at the transition period, I'm surprised by how natural the transition was - I simply lost interest in certain books and magazines and songs that I didn't feel were bringing me closer to God.  That doesn't mean I sat down and deleted every single song in my iTunes library that doesn't fall into the contemporary Christian music category but I did start listening to a Christian radio station (Star 99.1), which introduced me to dozens of new artists.

As it stands right now, I'd say my iPod is a little more than half filled with worship music, with the rest of the space allocated between gym songs (songs that are played in the various classes I take) and guilty pleasures (the Jonas Brothers! Old school NSYNC! That one Justin Bieber song!) My worship song playlist, titled Matthew 16:24-28, has become my go-to playlist - what I listen to when I'm doing everything from walking to work, to doing chores, to writing. To say the songs lift me up would be a huge understatement.

Without question, the biggest presence on that playlist is TobyMac. As he should be - when I started looking for Christian music, one of his songs from an old WOW Worship CD was the first thing that came to mind.

Although Gone is not my favourite TobyMac song (that honour goes to Lose My Soul, which has become my favourite song/personal anthem/whatever), the song did something really important for me, both as a teen and as an adult: it showed me that Christian music isn't just hymns. While there's no denying hymns are beautiful, songs like Gone made music worship feel more accessible to me as a teen. It felt comfortable - the message of the music was different but the format was familiar. The brilliance of contemporary Christian music is that artists meet the audience where they are.

I cried when I heard Atmosphere for the first time because I felt it. If I'm having a hard day, that song can still have that affect on me. I know that the words are true - his promise to me is unconditional.

O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.

Psalms 95:1 

There were a lot of things that made the concert amazing experience - the stage was brilliant, Jamie Grace and Mr. Talkbox were amazing as opening acts and as a performer, TobyMac blew my mind - but the most memorable thing about the show to me was the feeling of God moving in the room and how energized everyone was by His presence. As a group - audience and performers - we called Him down and He joined us, just like He promised.

Unconditional. Amazing.

(from left: Bryon "Mr.Talkbox"Chambers shares his Twitter handle with the crowd Superman-style. The lovely Jamie Grace, who encouraged everyone in the audience still looking for love on earth to always remember the one who loves them most and best - Jesus. And of course, TobyMac, who reminded everyone in the room that no one is too far from forgiveness.)