Where did the summer go?! (a recap)

Last weekend, I had my first salted caramel mocha of the season.

It was everything I wanted it to be. Like, the baristas at my favourite Starbucks knocked it out of the park- light whip cream, lots of caramel, and the perfect ratio of salt (aka the best part). Delicious. Everyone here is all about the pumpkin spice but, while I agree it is delicious, I just don't think it holds a candle to the salted caramel mocha.

Probably an unpopular opinion, but oh well. Long live the salted caramel mocha!

Also...hey. It's been almost two months since I wrote something here. Part of me wants to say "oops" or "my bad" but let's be honest: that's not really surprising. In fact, I would suggest it is fairly typical. My name is Tara and you can go ahead and call me the very worst blogger. It's OK.

At least this time, I feel like I have a reason for this period of radio silence: this summer was, in a word, BANANAS. 

Where did the summer go?! 

A recap of the last two-ish months 

1.  We moved.

One of the last shots taken at our old apartment.

This empty room was our bedroom for about four year. 

This is the one thing I credit for the chaos this summer.

Backstory: we have been thinking about moving for a while. I loved our old apartment - it was my first apartment, so lots of fond memories, etc. - but it was a bit pricey for a one bedroom. Add in a few of the other less than ideal elements (the carpet, the lack of an elevator and the 230197390 stairs, and the fact that it was basically an oven in the summer) and the fact that we simply...wanted more space and the move was inevitable.

So when a friend mentioned she was looking for a tenant in her house, we jumped on it. 

After six years living in the same place, I forgot how much moving...well, sucks. Between preparing the new place, packing, actually moving, cleaning the old place...it was both an expensive and exhausting process. This is basically what we did for all of July. I wish that was an exaggeration.

That said, I have to give credit where credit is due. We would not have been able to do this move without help from some great friends. Big thanks to Tasha and Joanne (our painting crew) and Davith and Wade (the moving crew) - you guys were such an incredible help. Seriously. You're the best.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't take a minute to mention my wonderful husband, who essentially did the lion's share of the moving when I was away on vacation. Not an enjoyable task, but a necessary one and I appreciate him for it. 

Coming into September, I would say the new place is about 90 per cent set up. Still some work to do in some areas, but it is coming along.

2.  I went on vacation 

(left to right) the fall, the cup

& two of the best people you'll ever meet.

As I do (almost) every summer, I made the trek to Ontario to visit my best friend for a few days. As mentioned, this happened smack dab in the middle of our move. Some years, we plan my trip around a concert, but other years, we just...hang out. The downside of living two provinces away from your best friend is that you don't really get to do typical best friend things (like catch a movie or grab a coffee) on the regular.  So this year, we did that and it was good.

I was also able to squeeze in a short visit with another sweet, long distance friend. At the end of the week, I took the train from Toronto to Ottawa for a couple days. A short trip, but totally worth it. 

3. We went on vacation 

I used my second week of vacation in August and Jeff and I went to one of our favourite places: Newfoundland! We went to Corner Brook last October for our honeymoon and loved it so much we knew we wanted to go back soon. We spent most of our time during our honeymoon at Gros Morne National Park but, due to the time of year, there were some things we were unable to do. I didn't think we would go back so soon but when we found out about the whole free park pass thing for 2017...well, it was just too good an opportunity to pass up!

Although there were a few hiccups during our trip - most notably, we missed our flight there due to a combination of human error and technical glitches and had to rebook - I am happy to report western Newfoundland is just as wonderful in August as it is in October. It was an awesome trip.

4. We were away almost every weekend 

And it was mostly for birthdays and family things. Not a terrible way to spend the weekend, but it did mean we were on the go a lot. 

5. I took the entire summer off ministry 

I thought this would be more difficult than it was but if I'm being honest, it was necessary. 

Last year, I volunteered with both Sunday morning kids ministry and midweek youth group. I love serving in these areas - I think investing in children/youth is important and I have built many really great relationships with some of the kids who take part in the programming at our church.  I want to see these programs succeed and am willing to give my time, talents and energies to make that happen. Last year, that meant serving every Sunday morning and every Wednesday.

It was fine at first. But by the time June rolled around, I was just...well, burnt out. 

I didn't see that at first. When our pastor mentioned giving the regular volunteers the summer off, I was excited for the break, but I didn't know how needed it really was. After all, you can't pour from an empty cup...and I was feeling pretty empty.

I still don't feel totally rested (likely due to items 1-4) but the cup is a lot fuller coming into the fall. It also helps that I made some decisions about ministry during the break - specifically in relation to the amount of time I am able to give. Sometimes I feel guilty about taking a step back but overall, I feel at peace, which tells me this is what God is calling me to right now. I need to learn how to rest - and how to trust that things won't fall apart without me there all the time. 

So there you have it - summer 2017 in a nutshell. It was crazy and fun and stressful and wonderful all at the same time. I'm sad to see it go, but excited to see what God has in store for the tail end of 2017.

How closing my eyes helped me see my need for rest

Tomorrow is Friday. I cannot wait to go to work.

Those...are not usually sentences that go together, but when you've had the kind of week I've had, it makes perfect sense.

It started on Sunday morning.

OK, actually, no. If we want to get super technical about it, it started in May 2011, during the first week of my internship at the paper.

I was on the weekend shift for the first time, a gig that would become familiar in the years to follow. I was paired with Steve, on the veteran reporters, who was there to show me the ropes and make sure I knew what I needed to know to get through a day in the newsroom as the solo reporter. 

Our Saturday was fairly busy with events and there was even breaking news when a well-known local musician passed away. I spent the day doing interviews and even though I didn't have to - this was back when our website was only updated after the paper was published - I sat down before the end of my shift and transcribed all my interview tape.

Little did I know at the time how important it would be that I did that. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Later that night, my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I went out with some friends. We went out to a bar for some live music. I wasn't drinking - I had to work the next day - but we had a good time. Everything was going great - until it was time to leave.

It's hard to explain how this happened, especially if you have never been to this particular bar, but basically: I got elbowed in the face and it essentially destroyed my cornea.  It was exactly as painful as it sounds.

We went back to Jeff's place and I tried to sleep it off but I just was not getting anywhere with it. Eventually, we ended up in the emergency room, where the doctor froze it (thank HEAVENS) and then put this green dye in to see where the injury was. I obviously could not see it but I guess it was pretty impressive because he invited other doctors in to see it, too. It was that bad. 

So when my co-worker came to pick me up that Sunday morning, I met him at the door wearing an eye patch, struggling to use my other eye as I explained I could not go in. I gave him my password for the computer, told him where my notes were and, bless him, he went and finished the job I was supposed to do. It was all kinds of embarrassing. 

But what I didn't know then is that the injury had also resulted in permanent damage. That, although I felt better after a week of patches and drops and ointment and rest, those kind of injuries never really heal completely, resulting in a condition called recurrent corneal erosion syndrome. As the name suggests, the biggest issue with RCES is painful flare ups. 

It started with little ones. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with that stabbing pain in my eye. It's a kind of pain I can't really explain because words like 'brutal' and 'intense' don't really do it justice. Thankfully, with these little flare ups, simply letting my eyes tear up a bit and keeping them shut tight until I can drift off to sleep is often enough to fix the issue. I wake up in the morning and everything is fine.

But occasionally, it does not work like that. So far, since the initial injury, it has happened twice. This past Sunday was one of those times. 

Those incidents require more intervention. In this case, it was a trip to the ER at 5:30 a.m., where there was not much that could be done outside putting in some drops to relieve the pain. I knew I would need to see the ophthalmologist, but was surprised to find out there was not one on-call at the hospital in my city. The options were to drive about an hour outside the city to see one that day or wait until the next morning and go see the one who has dealt with my file before. 

We went with the second option. My husband drove me home and I spent the day in bed, with my eyes shut, dealing with random spurts of pain at random increments of time. 

I wanted to sleep, but every time I would get close, another little jolt of pain would wake me up (go figure). I know I managed to get in some rest, but for the most part, I was just laying in bed.

After clearing boredom, I transitioned to annoyed. There were SO many things I was supposed to do that Sunday - teach Sunday school one last time before the summer break, attend the goodbye reception for two dear friends (and their precious baby girl) who are transitioning to a new season, connect with those who are set to help us paint out new place over the long weekend, and prepared food for the week ahead. Sunday's are busy in our household and being out of commission due to such a small thing (the eye) was frustrating to me.

I was stewing in that feeling when something popped into my mind.

You need to stop, to slow down. You are a human being, not a human doing. You don't see that you need rest, so maybe taking your ability to see all the things you think you need to be doing will help you focus on what is actually important.

I'm going to be real here: I know there are a lot of people who hear things from God on the regular, but that isn't me. While I have felt his presence and I have seen prayer answered - all that good stuff - I can think of maybe two or three other times when I have heard him speak something specific to the situation I found myself in. In that moment, laying on my bed with my eyes shut, unable to do much of anything, I know without a doubt that was the word God spoke to me. 

And I knew immediately that I had something to repent for - my unwillingness to accept rest. 

So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. 

Hebrews 4:9-11

It didn't take long to identify the problems my unwillingness to rest was creating in my life. Recently, I was telling my husband I was feeling burnt out - not in one area, but generally. Burnt out on serving. Burnt out on working. Burnt out on trying to sort out our finances. Burnt out on maintaining the status quo, let alone moving into anything more. And, unfortunately, that burnt out feeling was manifesting in some less than ideal ways in other areas of my life, like my relationships with others. 

But that, while significant, is a surface level reflection of the real issue - the problem my unwillingness to slow down and rest has had on my relationship with God. When I am going all the time, I am not spending time in the word. I am not spending time in prayer. And you know how it goes - you can't pour into others if you aren't being filled.

Even when I recognized this, I was still resistant to it. I tried to work from home on Wednesday, only to be told by my boss to knock it off and focus on getting better. Although the pain in the eye is gone, the double vision brought on by the contact bandaid persists, meaning for the last couple days it has been an either or kind of thing - either I am using a screen or I am in light, not both. The first few days were boring. Today, though - my last day before the bandaid comes off and I can return to work - I decided to embrace it.

I slept in. I washed my hair and I worked a little on our budget and I made mac and cheese and I cleaned the kitchen. I watched a little TV and I played a little Harvest Moon. I went out to Starbucks where I booked a hotel for a weekend trip and I wrote this blog post.  Tonight, I'll write in my prayer journal and probably read, as long as my eye isn't bothering me too much. I'll put in my drops and I'll go to bed at a decent hour so I can wake up and work for a couple hours before I go to my appointment.

I accomplished a lot but I'm not ending the day feeling exhausted and done. I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. It is a nice change.

What I'm trying to say here is this: rest isn't just good, it's necessary. It's not easy to find time to do it in this crazy life, but finding time voluntarily sure beats being forced. Don't be like me, friends. 

may, briefly (and June, currently)

so, about May...

night shifts.  youth group. a televised debate. rally in the valley. municipal elections. an overdue car appointment. an even more overdue hair appointment. a job interview. two graduations. Sunday school. pre-martial counselling. international travel preparation. not nearly enough sleep for any of it.

Taking that photo and seeing just how much happened in May kind of made me want to vomit. I've never been so excited to turn a calendar over to a new month.

In many ways, May was a blur. That said, there are a few things worth noting:

I made my television debut

Steve, our city hall reporter, and I at the debate. He was a panelist, I was the moderator.

We clearly took our roles very seriously.

When I was in j-school, I always said I have the face and voice for print. During my third year, I rooted myself solidly in print, chose radio as my secondary subject, and avoided television completely. I liked working behind the scenes - writing scripts, producing, filming, editing - but the whole idea of being on camera? No thank you.

So when I was asked at work to participate in a televised mayoral debate in the lead up to the municipal election, I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but I said yes anyway.

And to my surprise, it was actually kind of fun? I served as the moderator for the evening, tasked with keeping the show moving along. The team running the show was amazing and I'm happy to report my greatest nightmare of screwing up big time on a broadcast did not come true. I've had a lot of great feedback since it aired (which I hope is sincere and not just friends being nice!) and while I don't think I'm going to be running to make the switch to broadcast, I'd definitely do it again with the same team.

I chaperoned my first overnight, out-of-town trip (and conquered some fears in the process)

Those who know me, know there are two things I'm not so into as a driver: driving long distances and driving in unfamiliar places. I did both those things in May when my church youth group packed up and headed out of town for Rally in the Valley.

The trip was an interesting experience. Although I have been working with kids/youth pretty consistently for the last few years, I still find it bizarre that I am at a point in my life where I'm not only able but completely capable of chaperoning children. I joked upon return that the trip really gave me a taste of what being a parent to pre-teens/teens must be like; I did everything from helping manage medications, to driving kids to and from venues, to being woken up at way-too-early-o'clock by children wanting to go to the pool. Capped off the weekend with my favourite "parent moment": driving home in the pitch black on the highway with a child in my passenger seat, vomiting into a garbage bag. Delightful, right?

Still, overall, it was a success. The kids had a great time and so did I (although I learned going to an event as a chaperon is a very different experience than going as a participant). It was also a great rehearsal of sorts for my trip to Kenya next month.

Jeff graduated! 

Took a little longer than some others, but now Jeff can officially add university graduate to his list of accomplishments. As an education reporter, I've sat through A LOT of graduations, but this one was definitely my favourite. Jeff worked so hard to finish his degree and I couldn't be more proud.

I also got to see Jeff's brother, Josh, receive his degree about a week later. Also exciting! May was a big month of celebrating some really wonderful education accomplishments.

Progress on the wedding planning front

the box for our BEAUTIFUL rings

Could not be more pleased with the work by Bentwood Jewelry Designs! 

Although many of the big details about our October wedding have been planned for a while - the venue, who will be in the wedding party, the catering, etc. - May was really about getting some of the finer details moving forward.

Our wedding bands arrived (and they are SO, SO beautiful! I can't wait to wear mine!), we made an appointment to design our wedding invitations, and an appointment for a dress fitting. We've also been working through the book we picked as part of our pre-martial counselling, had our second session, and made a plan to get the rest of them finished before the pastor who is doing our ceremony moves to Nova Scotia.

Wedding planning has been strange in some ways. I often feel like we haven't really done a lot, but I made a list the other day and we have a lot more under control than I thought. It's so hard to believe how quickly it's coming up!

•••

Although I am anticipating June will be calmer than May (or at least I really hope it will be) I do have some things on the go. I have a few things to do to prepare for my trip to Kenya next month (one last vaccine/prescriptions to fill, a VISA to apply for, packing), some wedding-related work (counselling. above mentioned invitation/dress fitting appointments), a couple medical appointments and a whole slew of night shifts. That said, I want June to be a more...restful month, which I figure, all things considered, is an achievable goal. In the spirit of welcoming the new month...

Current month: June

Current book(s): Keeping the Moon by Sarah Dessen. I read this book at least once every summer, usually at the beginning. It's not my favourite Sarah Dessen book (that honour goes to Someone Like You) but for some reason, when I think about summer, this is the book that comes to mind.

Current music: 

on repeat. 

Current show: Nashville (which was just cancelled. SOB!) and the second season of Bloodline on Netflix. What can I say? Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler are my favourites. 

Current workout: Ugh, May was a bust on the exercise front. My schedule was all over the place, I worked a lot of weird hours, and this definitely fell by the wayside. That said, I am hoping the nice weather sticks around so I can get some walking in in June. I've been doing that a lot more lately. I think my body has appreciated the break from more intense exercise.

Current link: Included it earlier, but if you're looking for some really fantastic, handmade, wooden jewelry, you should seriously check out Bentwood Jewelry Designs! They were a dream to work with and I am so in love with our wedding bands. 

Current bible study: I spent a lot of time in May reading and re-reading Ecclesiastes. Not sure what I want to read for June. Took a bit of a break from structured plans last month, focusing instead on just...enjoying scripture, if that makes sense? Will likely continue that this month. 

Current triumphs: I actually managed to lose about 10 pounds in May? Not by doing anything sketchy, but by just...eating better. And drinking more water, honestly. Amazing how big a difference those two things can make.  I'm hoping to keep that going in June. 

Current frustration: Waiting.  

Current prayer request: Relevant to the last point, for patience during the waiting, for opportunities, and for wisdom to see those opportunities when they arise. 

Current excitement: I LEAVE FOR KENYA IN, LIKE, 30 DAYS!

Current mood: Content, but also sleepy. 

never too late (spring cleaning, soul edition)

Sunshine. Fresh air. Environment Canada forecasts without negative numbers.

Spring is here. 

Finally.

It's strange.

Based on the forecast, this winter was awesome.

Less snow.  Mild-ish temperatures.

Significantly fewer brutal ice storms. 

Weather-wise, it's almost as if we didn't have winter at all.
I only used one snow brush and didn't break a single scraper.

But oh man, was it ever winter in my heart this year.

I know.

Laaaaame.

But it's accurate. 

To say the last, I don't know, six months or so have been tough would be the understatement of all understatements.

The last six months gutted me. Totally. And in the spirit of keeping it real (something I try very hard to do here), I still feel it some days. 

But it's getting better.  Spring is here. 

And much like my apartment needs a good spring cleaning (step one: finish reading that Marie Kondo book), my soul is in dire need of decluttering. 

And much like the central thesis of the KonMari method hinges on the idea that, unless you truly love an item, it doesn't belong in your home, it's due time for me to apply the same discipline to my soul. 

So here we go.

An incomplete list of things/practices to purge from my life

fast food
dairy products*

beauty products that are tested on animals*

the new Weight Watchers plan

stressing about every. single. little. thing.

thinking about work when I'm not at work

thinking too much about work when I am at work
using a credit card
empty platitudes
buying poor quality clothing
gossip
gossiping
obsessively checking social media
binge watching television
not reading my Bible every day, mostly due to binge watching and obsessive social media usage
going to bed at 2 a.m. on the regular
the snooze button
not drinking enough water
not walking enough
the word "tired" as a response to "how are you?"
negative people
people with bad attitudes
believing the things negative people with bad attitudes say about/to me
internalizing the things negative people with bad attitudes say about/to me
worrying about money
worrying about jobs
worrying about the future
worrying in general
worrying in specific
over-committing
under-committing
not taking a lunch break at work**

* a work in progress
** completion of this list marks a first step in the direction of achieving this final item
*** I've missed this place.  Hey there. Hi there. How are you?

count it all joy

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trial of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

All.

That small, three letter word is the thing that makes this verse so difficult for me. Because let's be honest: joy comes easy in some things, but in others? It's really freaking hard.

It's hard to count it all joy in times of discouragement. In times of uncertainty. In times of waiting - oh man, as a person who is impatient for the future, this one is probably the worst for me.

It's hard to count it all joy when it feels like life is just punching you in the soul over and over again.

This is a space I've been living in lately, particularly in relation to one area of my life. This intense season of discouragement has surprise me in many ways but the biggest shock, by far, has been the way I've reacted to it. I'd love to be able to tell you the reaction has been in the spirit of the verse cited above but that hasn't been the case.  This discouragement has left me feeling sullen at best, guilty at worst.

Guilty, because when I'm struggling with joy, I'm actually struggling with trusting God.

That's a hard thing to admit, but truth's like that sometimes.

So, what's a girl to do?

One of the things I love best about God is that he doesn't play hard to get. He wants to have a relationship with us and supplies us with all the means to do so. In this case, I know the answer lies in going back to the basics: time in prayer and the word, stripping away the distractions and focusing on what I know is true instead of what I'm feeling in the moment.

And in the interim, I've found the easiest way to remember the call to joy in all things is to remember the things in life that bring me joy.

a good book
a relaxing bath
dance classes
yoga
Starbucks drinks
singing loudly in the car
and in church
and in my living room
and just generally, I guess
telling a good story
volunteering for a cause I believe in
talking to my best friend
loving my forever boyfriend well

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

Philippians 4:4 

great expectations (require great faithfulness)

One of the most surprising things I've learned about myself as an adult is this: I am not an extrovert.

That probably sounds ridiculous - like, how could a person misunderstand such a BASIC element of his/her personality? - but it's true. Growing up, calling myself an extrovert made sense to me; I was involved in drama club, a hardcore NSSSAer (for those not from Nova Scotia: student leadership organization that puts on big conferences across the province every year. Conferences basically involve a lot of working in groups to develop skills, special speakers and a lot of cheering/dancing), and a regular soloist in my church choir.

Friendly, outgoing, talkative...those were all words I felt described me well, and that seemed consistent with the idea of being an extrovert so logic would suggest I must be an extrovert, right?

That's what I thought. And while I wouldn't say the label had a big - or any - kind of conscious impact on my life, for many years, I tried to live like the extrovert I thought I was.  In high school, I had a club or committee meeting at lunch just about every day. I spoke up in class and never had to worry about participation marks. I was always around people - whether it was at work, where I got paid to ring in groceries and talk to strangers, at church, or out with friends. Even when I was alone, I wasn't really - if I was on my computer, I was talking to friends on messenger and, when I finally got a cell phone, I was texting. 

My schedule was packed and I was exhausted.  

All. The. Time.  Physically, but also mentally and emotionally. 

I've since learned the physical exhaustion probably had more to do with an undiagnosed thyroid condition. I'm on medication for it, and I'm hoping it's going to make a difference. But the physical side of it was far less of an issue than the mental and emotional. The reality: as much as I loved people, I found being around them too long and/or too often left me feeling burned out.

Extraversion (E) 

I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I'm excited when I'm around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.

The Myers & Briggs Foundation

While some of those ideas apply to me, it's that first sentence that is key. Fact is large groups and busy social calendars don't leave me feeling energized. It's actually quite the opposite.

Introversion (I)

I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I'll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.

The Myers & Briggs Foundation

That last sentence sums up the tension for me: I like the idea of being an extrovert better than I like actually living that life.

Now, don't get me wrong: I love my friends/family/loved ones. I love getting to know people, learning more about them, and (when applicable) helping them tell their stories. I love adventure and going out and trying new things.

But I also need time to be alone. To relax and reflect. To process things and think them through. To feel like myself and allow me to function properly.

Why am I writing about this?

Mostly because because I have not found a way to achieve any meaningful balance in this area of my life. I'm either goinggoinggoing all the time, or I'm at home on my couch, binge-watching Scandal in my pyjamas, eating chips. I'm on my phone all the time, or I'm checking messages sporadically. I'm meal planning, getting enough exercise, and sleeping well each night, or I'm eating fast food, skipping my workouts, and getting seven hours of shut-eye, and that's on a good night.

It's one extreme to another. Neither works. I'm either pouring myself out to others at the expense of the quiet time and space I need, or I'm being fiercely protective of that time alone at the expense of my relationships with others.

I'm not an extrovert. But, the more I think about it, I'm not an introvert, either.

The Advocate
Code: INFJ-T
Role: Diplomat
Strategy: Constant improvement

INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.

INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance...they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

To INFJs, the world is a place full of inequality - but it doesn't have to be.

Reality though, it is most important for INFJs to remember to take care of themselves. The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed.

Strengths: creative, insightful, inspiring and convincing, decisive, determined and passionate, altruistic
Weaknesses: sensitive, extremely private, perfectionist, always need to have a cause, can burn out easily.

This is me. Some traits more than others, but for the most part, that description provides a pretty clear idea of what I'm about.

I care deeply about people.
I like helping others, even if there's nothing in it for me.
I don't think things are as they should be
+ I refuse to believe there's nothing I can do about it.

Lately, I have been living in a strange space. I've come to some huge realizations and made some big decisions in recent months that will play a big role in shaping the future. And while I mostly feel relieved, I also feel a little impatient. Expectant. Like I'm in a place where I'm waiting for something to happen.

I mentioned this to my dear friend, Laura, the other night. True to the more introverted side of my INFJ personality, I have a handful of really close friends and despite only knowing Laura for a couple of years, she's part of my inner circle - one of the people who I tell everything to, who I can honestly say knows me well.

Laura is a tremendous woman of God with a huge heart for encouraging and loving others well. She's also very pregnant, so she knows a thing or two about the whole waiting for something to happen thing. Naturally, after I stumbled through my explanation of how I've been feeling, she had the perfect word for me.

As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Sometimes His plans, no matter what they are in our lives, need to have these waiting periods to perfect and grow to the healthy spot they need to be before they're revealed to us."

I don't know what the next step is going to look like in my life. Nor do I know how long it's going to take for that next step to be clear.

What I do know is this: as anxious as I am for the future to be revealed to me now, God's timing will always be better than mine. Which means my job is simple: to be patient, always remembering he is more faithful than I could begin to imagine.

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will, he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures. 

James 1: 16-18

change is coming

An incomplete account of important things I have learned during the first 44 days of 2016

• coffee actually is an acquired taste
• I will always enjoy a young adult novel more than an "adult" novel
• I like adult novels, too, though
• the new Weight Watchers program is terrible and restrictive
• losing weight is hard
• LifeProof cases are not as life-proof as they claim to be
• cats are the best
• finding time to meet with wedding vendors during the work week is no simple task
• planning a wedding becomes a lot less annoying when you finally accept that it's YOUR WEDDING and you can do what YOU want (including opting for an unconventional meal at your reception) 
• Sh'Bam, like coffee, is also an acquired taste. It's worth trying a second or third or 15th time. When life is tough, dance it out
• it's OK to not go to every social event. It's OK to need time alone.
• volunteering in kids ministry is good for the soul 
• the new Justin Bieber album is excellent. I'd call it my guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty about it #hatersgonnahate 
• an under-performing thyroid really messes with your body 
• sometimes they best way to prepare for a job interview is to go see a movie the night before
• because no matter how hard you prepare, you're still going to be sweating bullets when you go to said interview
• pick a dark coloured blazer for a job interview (see previous point on sweating)
• happiness is more important than security when it comes to work 
• seeking after God's will is more important than both the aforementioned items. Even if it means doing things that some people won't understand. Like going back to school (hopefully next year. BSW, online through Dal)
• and giving up complaining and stressing about an area of my life I have no control over for lent = challenging but necessary and SO refreshing 

The overarching lesson - an epiphany, of sorts

I want whatever I do next in this life to be more about helping others than building up my image or reputation. I don't know what that's going to look like, but God does. And even though 2016 has been off to a strange start, I know he is faithful to the end. 

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change

James 1:16-17

it was a good year

So, 2015...where do I start? 

• Getting engaged!
• + setting a wedding date! 
• Our four year anniversary. 
• A new furry family member. 
• An almost fully-funded trip to Kenya (July 2016!)
• An awesome vacation with my best friend, featuring Kelly Clarkson and also knights. 
• The summer wedding tour, including one 11 years in the making.
• Winning a car (but taking cash)!
• Using some of said cash to settle some debts, including paying off my braces, some car debt, some personal debt.
• Putting the rest into an account to pay for our wedding in October! 
• A donated wedding dress.
• The most perfect weather day for engagement photos.
• SAINT ANYTHING! 
• Dancing, a lot.
• Swimming at the lake on my birthday (in SEPTEMBER)!
• Reconnecting with my brother.
• Volunteering, and remember why I love kids ministry.
• Trying new things, like drinking iced coffee and an at-home workout program.
• Finally having a DavidsTea in Fredericton! 
• Bubble baths.
• Nacho nights.
• A less-than-24-hour trip to Halifax, featuring lots of shopping and a really glittery metal concert.
• Lots of glitter.  And red lipstick.
• Brightly coloured hair.
• Christmas choir! 
• Meeting new people.
• Making new friends.
• Answered prayers.
• New direction.
• Learning more about God's character.

It was a good year.

2016 is shaping up to be pretty awesome, too.

A few noteworthy dates

• Engaged one year on Jan. 11
• Five years together as of Feb. 15
• My brother's expected release date is in March. 
• Hedley in Moncton with some lovely friends on April 11.
• July 4 (ish), the anticipated departure for 10-day trip to Kenya
• + of course, Oct. 15: our wedding.

Exciting, for sure, but not the only things I'm looking forward to.

In an effort to get out of the "I'll do it next week" mindset, I thought about what one could see as my "resolutions" for 2016 before Christmas and, instead of waiting for Jan. 1 to roll around, started working on them right away. They're not so much goals as better habits to get into: eat better and drink more water, exercise regularly, steward my finances better, give more (time + money), find a better balance between work/social time/me time, invest in my relationships (with friends and with my future husband), etc.

I set one goal: to keep growing in my faith.

To spend more time in the Word.
To have a more abundant prayer life.
To become more aware of God's presence.
To trust him more.
+ to just...seek God's best in all areas of my life.

A dear friend offered these words from scripture earlier this week. I think they appropriately sum up my main goal for 2016:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

It is going to be a good year.

summertime slow down

would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

let love come teach me who You are again. 

would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You 

+ all I wanted was just to be with You

come do whatever you want to.

"Tired."

That is the first word I've been reaching for lately whenever someone asks me how I'm doing. 

It comes easily, often without hesitation. Sometimes it's accompanied by a work-related explanation or a remark about how summer's just aren't as relaxing as they were once upon a time. Almost always, the immediate response is a true one; tired is a pretty good way to describe my state lately. 

The good news in it all: this state refers almost exclusively to the idea of being physically in need of rest. A couple weeks ago, a pastor at our church preached on the whole idea of the sabbath - specifically, the fact that we live in a time where we tend to ignore it. Taking breaks and resting just...isn't something we do well in 2015. We are on all the time. We're plugged in. We're working.  We're busy. We don't stop. We don't rest.

This is something I can relate to on so many levels. I'll even take it a step further and add that, on the rare occasion when I do actually take that down time, I feel terribly guilty about it, knowing there is probably something I could be doing. I like feeling productive. I like to-do lists. I like getting things done. I don't do idle well so more often than not, I'll just go and go and go until I can't anymore.

And even then, I'll try to push through it. The end result: for me, it looks like low energy, physical illness, waking up tired, writers block. Just total fatigue to the point where stopping isn't an option anymore - it's a requirement.

Sunday's sermon focused on the parable of the sower and the seed (Matthew 13). In this parable, Jesus spoke about a sower scattering seeds on four different types of ground: a hard surface, a stony surface, a thorny surface, and good soil.

The hard surface is the hardened heart - the place where the seed lands, and is immediately snatched up by the enemy. There's no chance of the seed taking root there.

The stony land is a bit better, but not much. The seed planted there lacks deep roots - and that's a problem, because those deep roots are needed to live.

Although the conditions of the heart change every day, most of the time, I can't relate much to the first two types of planting conditions. It's the third one - the thorny ground - that gets me. The thorny ground is the heart of the person who has too much going on. As the pastor put it: "you can be choked and strangled by your calendar." 

Um...amen?

In all seriousness, I've found that to be so true. I've also come to find it's incredibly problematic, at least in my own life, because here is the thing: being a slave to the calendar and feeling burnt out as a result hinders my ability to love God and love others well.


And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. 
Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.

Genesis 2:2-3

Why am I writing about this here? The purpose isn't to complain about being OHSOBUSY or attempt to garner sympathy or anything. Instead, it's an attempt to explain what ultimately amounts to a heart issue I've struggled with since...well, for years. The internet makes it so easy to fake it and paint a distorted picture of reality - something I'm not interested in doing.

My vacation begins in four days. I'm heading to Ontario for most of my nine-ish days off, and my goal for the time off is simple: to recharge. To sleep in. To not go to the gym. To eat a lot of great food. To go on adventures with my best friend. And to not feel tethered to my desk or my email or my phone for a little while.

And I'm not going to feel guilty about any of it at all. 

(It's probably also worth noting after DAYS of feeling creatively blocked, this post came SO easily - which tells me it's one of those things that needed to come out before anything else can flow freely again)