a reminder of grace.

Sometimes I forget not everyone here knows about my family.

It's easy enough to do. I've been living in New Brunswick on and off for the better part of about eight years now and for as much as I complain about it, it has become home. I have started building a life here; although I am sure Jeff and I will eventually do as many other young New Brunswickers do eventually and leave, for now, we'll be staying put.

I'm OK with that. I have a job I love (most days), lots of great friends, an awesome local church, and plenty of different opportunities available to me. I'm close enough to home that I can visit, while still being far enough away that I'm able to live my life without too much interference.

And, if I'm being honest? That's the way I like it. My family is a big part of the reason why.

Don't get me wrong: I love my family. It's tempting to reach for a cliche and say i love them despite their flaws (and there are oh so many) but the reality is, I love them AND their flaws. They are not perfect, and neither am I. It took a long time - most of my teen years and into my adult life - to understand that and to figure out how to move forward in love in a way that is beneficial to everyone.

In some cases, this has involved accepting there are some people I cannot have a relationship with at this time. For example, my father. I have forgiven him for everything that happened when I was younger. I don't harbour any ill-will toward him and I pray for him every day. However, I know at this time, it would not be good for my heart to have a relationship with him. This could very well change in time, but for now, this is where things have to stay.

In other cases, this has led to reopening lines of communication with previously estranged family members.

This has been the case with my brother.

I wrote about my brother during the summer after I finished reading the latest Sarah Dessen novel. At the time, I described Saint Anything as a "total punch in the gut" and that description stands.  I could understand what Sydney was going through with Peyton because it was a lot like what I had gone through with my brother. Some of the details were different, but seeing a character live through a situation like mine was an emotional experience for me.

Everything from that post in June still stands, but there have been some developments on this front since. The most significant development is that my brother and I are in contact again. He is in jail in Nova Scotia and based on what my grandfather has told me, it seems likely he will remain as a guest of the province for the next several months.

That part isn't ideal. But there are some bright spots.

Like the fact that, since being locked up, he's finally been able to complete his GED. It took two tries, he told me in his last letter, and now he's thinking about what comes next. "If I get out, I am going to apply to (community college) and try to get into heavy duty auto-mechanics and do something good for myself," he wrote.

He's also clean and sober for the first time in...I'm not even sure how long. "The only good part about jail is its a detox. No drugs to mess with your head," he wrote in his first letter back in the fall. He's also working to get his anger issues under control.

He's a lot calmer than he was. Jail isn't where he wants to be, but he seems to accept the role he played in the circumstance he's found himself in.

It's a maturity I never expected from him.

I am so proud of him.

I am so, so grateful to God for the way he has watched over my brother through all of it. Considering everything my brother has gone through, I know it is by God's grace alone that he's still here - and that same grace is helping him even now as he figures out where to go from here.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

My brother's story is likely more dramatic than most but the underlying principle applies broadly: we never move past God's grace. You're never too far out of reach, nor do you ever outgrow your need. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done - you are not a lost cause and his grace is enough.

you're a good, good father

it's who you are

+ i'm loved by you

it's who i am. 

more

there's gotta be more than wanting more...

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

 John 10:10 

"We want our lives to mean something. We don't want to just exist."

When I graduated from high school in 2007, I thought I had it all figured out.

I knew what I wanted to do - I wanted to be a reporter - and I knew the steps I'd have to take to get there. In the fall, I packed my things into my grandfather's truck and made the trip to New Brunswick to study journalism. Over the next four years, I threw myself into my major, balancing a full course load with part-time work at a grocery store and volunteering (and later, running) the campus newspaper. I was interesting and challenging and satisfying in so many different ways. I loved it.

I started working at a newspaper about two weeks before I graduated. The first few weeks were an adjustment, but in all honesty, I could not have had a better experience interning. The work was interesting and thanks to mentorship from a really great group of co-workers/bosses, I finished those four months a better reporter than I was when I started. I signed another contract as soon as my four month term ended. Sixteen months later, that contract job morphed into a full-time gig.

I've been there ever since.

There are still so many things I love about the job. My co-workers. My bosses. The thrill of breaking news. The endless opportunities to learn. Helping others tell their stories. People rag on the media all the time, but I really do believe storytelling is important and quality journalism has the power to make a huge difference in the world.

It's important I establish that before continuing. I want it to be clear what comes next is about me, not my workplace or the profession as a whole.

Here is the thing - I have been in somewhat of a rut lately. This is not a secret - I think most people who know me well are aware that I've been praying over the question "What's next?" And, considering I've been traveling one path for the better part 10 years, that hasn't been an easy thing to wrestle with.

And, to be honest, despite wrestling with it, I still don't have it figured out. I have a pretty solid idea of what I like, of what gifts and talents I possess, and how I might be able to combine the two, but I'm not sure what sort of "next" that is going to translate into or when "next" will move from concept to reality.

One thing I do know: being honest about it, with myself and with others, has helped a great deal. That's why I'm writing about it here. I wasn't going to and even considered deleting this a few times over the course of writing it, worried people will read too much into it or take it as something other than what it is: an attempt to work through some of the things that have been on my heart and mind lately.

We started a new sermon series at my church last week, with the big focus being on the whole idea that God always has more for it. If that's true, then it's also true that when we fall into ruts of being disgruntled or apathetic, that's more on us than it is on God. That thought has resonated so much with me this week and it's been amazing to see the difference rejecting the idea of "good enough and it could be worse" in favour of being willing to believe and pray for God's best has made.

It's not always easy, but it's certainly freeing. I'll take that any day.

with just a word, set the dark to flight

sing to the world: "let there be light!"

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21