it was a good year

So, 2015...where do I start? 

• Getting engaged!
• + setting a wedding date! 
• Our four year anniversary. 
• A new furry family member. 
• An almost fully-funded trip to Kenya (July 2016!)
• An awesome vacation with my best friend, featuring Kelly Clarkson and also knights. 
• The summer wedding tour, including one 11 years in the making.
• Winning a car (but taking cash)!
• Using some of said cash to settle some debts, including paying off my braces, some car debt, some personal debt.
• Putting the rest into an account to pay for our wedding in October! 
• A donated wedding dress.
• The most perfect weather day for engagement photos.
• SAINT ANYTHING! 
• Dancing, a lot.
• Swimming at the lake on my birthday (in SEPTEMBER)!
• Reconnecting with my brother.
• Volunteering, and remember why I love kids ministry.
• Trying new things, like drinking iced coffee and an at-home workout program.
• Finally having a DavidsTea in Fredericton! 
• Bubble baths.
• Nacho nights.
• A less-than-24-hour trip to Halifax, featuring lots of shopping and a really glittery metal concert.
• Lots of glitter.  And red lipstick.
• Brightly coloured hair.
• Christmas choir! 
• Meeting new people.
• Making new friends.
• Answered prayers.
• New direction.
• Learning more about God's character.

It was a good year.

2016 is shaping up to be pretty awesome, too.

A few noteworthy dates

• Engaged one year on Jan. 11
• Five years together as of Feb. 15
• My brother's expected release date is in March. 
• Hedley in Moncton with some lovely friends on April 11.
• July 4 (ish), the anticipated departure for 10-day trip to Kenya
• + of course, Oct. 15: our wedding.

Exciting, for sure, but not the only things I'm looking forward to.

In an effort to get out of the "I'll do it next week" mindset, I thought about what one could see as my "resolutions" for 2016 before Christmas and, instead of waiting for Jan. 1 to roll around, started working on them right away. They're not so much goals as better habits to get into: eat better and drink more water, exercise regularly, steward my finances better, give more (time + money), find a better balance between work/social time/me time, invest in my relationships (with friends and with my future husband), etc.

I set one goal: to keep growing in my faith.

To spend more time in the Word.
To have a more abundant prayer life.
To become more aware of God's presence.
To trust him more.
+ to just...seek God's best in all areas of my life.

A dear friend offered these words from scripture earlier this week. I think they appropriately sum up my main goal for 2016:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

It is going to be a good year.

a reminder of grace.

Sometimes I forget not everyone here knows about my family.

It's easy enough to do. I've been living in New Brunswick on and off for the better part of about eight years now and for as much as I complain about it, it has become home. I have started building a life here; although I am sure Jeff and I will eventually do as many other young New Brunswickers do eventually and leave, for now, we'll be staying put.

I'm OK with that. I have a job I love (most days), lots of great friends, an awesome local church, and plenty of different opportunities available to me. I'm close enough to home that I can visit, while still being far enough away that I'm able to live my life without too much interference.

And, if I'm being honest? That's the way I like it. My family is a big part of the reason why.

Don't get me wrong: I love my family. It's tempting to reach for a cliche and say i love them despite their flaws (and there are oh so many) but the reality is, I love them AND their flaws. They are not perfect, and neither am I. It took a long time - most of my teen years and into my adult life - to understand that and to figure out how to move forward in love in a way that is beneficial to everyone.

In some cases, this has involved accepting there are some people I cannot have a relationship with at this time. For example, my father. I have forgiven him for everything that happened when I was younger. I don't harbour any ill-will toward him and I pray for him every day. However, I know at this time, it would not be good for my heart to have a relationship with him. This could very well change in time, but for now, this is where things have to stay.

In other cases, this has led to reopening lines of communication with previously estranged family members.

This has been the case with my brother.

I wrote about my brother during the summer after I finished reading the latest Sarah Dessen novel. At the time, I described Saint Anything as a "total punch in the gut" and that description stands.  I could understand what Sydney was going through with Peyton because it was a lot like what I had gone through with my brother. Some of the details were different, but seeing a character live through a situation like mine was an emotional experience for me.

Everything from that post in June still stands, but there have been some developments on this front since. The most significant development is that my brother and I are in contact again. He is in jail in Nova Scotia and based on what my grandfather has told me, it seems likely he will remain as a guest of the province for the next several months.

That part isn't ideal. But there are some bright spots.

Like the fact that, since being locked up, he's finally been able to complete his GED. It took two tries, he told me in his last letter, and now he's thinking about what comes next. "If I get out, I am going to apply to (community college) and try to get into heavy duty auto-mechanics and do something good for myself," he wrote.

He's also clean and sober for the first time in...I'm not even sure how long. "The only good part about jail is its a detox. No drugs to mess with your head," he wrote in his first letter back in the fall. He's also working to get his anger issues under control.

He's a lot calmer than he was. Jail isn't where he wants to be, but he seems to accept the role he played in the circumstance he's found himself in.

It's a maturity I never expected from him.

I am so proud of him.

I am so, so grateful to God for the way he has watched over my brother through all of it. Considering everything my brother has gone through, I know it is by God's grace alone that he's still here - and that same grace is helping him even now as he figures out where to go from here.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

My brother's story is likely more dramatic than most but the underlying principle applies broadly: we never move past God's grace. You're never too far out of reach, nor do you ever outgrow your need. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done - you are not a lost cause and his grace is enough.

you're a good, good father

it's who you are

+ i'm loved by you

it's who i am.