all in/letting go

For I, the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

Isaiah 41:13

March was a difficult month for me this year.
I'm not exactly sure when everything started going off the rails. The month started off great - I was feeling good about myself, my finances were in order, plans had been made for some exciting changes in the future and I was feeling a closeness with God I hadn't experienced...well, ever, if I'm being honest. He had brought me through the cold and the darkness of post-holiday winter without a scratch. The snow was melting and the sunlight was sticking around a little longer and everything was coming up Tara. Nothing was going to bring me down.
Maybe it was that cockiness, that belief that I was in control and doing a really solid job of managing everything that caused me to deflate. I can't say for sure - what I do know is that by the end of the month, I felt defeated. My shoulders ached - a physical manifestation of the metaphorical weight I was carrying - and I found myself crying on my yoga mat during savasana (embarrassing!). I didn't know why things were happening the way they were and even though I knew the problems I was dealing with were, for the most part, not really all that great in the grand scheme of things, I just wanted everything to stop.
And I wanted to make things stop on my own. That was my stupid mistake.
Because what did my efforts get me? A sympathetic ear now and then, but that's about it. If anything, constant venting only made my "problems" seem worse. Combined with my efforts to "fix" the broken things in my life, I felt overwhelmed, sad, miserable, angry and ready to come undone. Entirely.
So I did the only thing I could do: I let those things go. I gave all the hurt and sadness and stress to God, trusting he would know what to do.

This is a giant leap of faith/trusting and trying to embrace/the fear of the unknown/beyond my comfort zone/I'm letting go.

Kind of like that.

Things still aren't perfect - they never will be - but I can say I feel better. I don't think the burdens are necessarily any lighter but I certainly feel more equipped to manage things when I know I'm not doing it alone.