always

I wrote a really dramatic post Friday afternoon.

After a week I can only describe as truly awful, I sat down at Starbucks with my computer, angry rap music blasting through my headphones, and unleashed a whole big bunch of ~*feelings*~ I've been keeping, for the most part, to myself. 

It wasn't what I was planning to write, but once I started, it just poured out. It was painful, but after weeks of struggling with crippling anxiety over writing, it was nice to have something come naturally for a change. 

I read it over. Once. Twice. After the third time, I hit save and closed my browser, leaving it in draft.

It's still there. And that's where it's going to say because I'm not going to post it.

There are many reasons for that but the biggest one is simple: I've already given the situation way to much power over me. Bringing it into this space would only make that worse. 

Not only am I twenty-six years old and too old for the kind of petty crap that's been going on lately, but dwelling on it the way I have been is totally at odds with what I know is true. 

That three days later, Christ rose from the grave and conquered death. 

And that even when things seem like they're spinning out of control, He is still on the throne. 

Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 

1 Peter 2:16-17

Now this is not to say everything is suddenly sunshine and rainbows in my life. I'm going to be honest with you: the last couple months have been really, really hard. After years of living with what turned out to be an undiagnosed thyroid condition, I'm used to feeling weary, but I'm not used to the kind of soul sickness I've been feeling for the last couple months. I'm trying to find a healthy way to cope with it but that's still work in progress. What I can say is I am very, very lucky to have some incredible people in my life who have been very patient with me as I work through the situation. My fiancee and my best friend deserve special mention here - it's cheesy and lame but you guys have totally been my rocks. I'd be more of a basketcase than I already am if it weren't for you two.  Thank you. Seriously.

And there you have it. The elephant in the room has been addressed. Things are kind of messy right now, but that's OK. In the midst of all the turmoil, I'm choosing instead to focus on what I know is true and unchanging. 

I will not fear the war

I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way

My help is on the way